Good afternoon, and welcome to Don't Watch This; Watch That: College Football's Only* Watch Guide!
Week 0 is lovely, but Week 1 of college football is especially pure – I'm convinced this is in part because it's uncut college football all the way through. There is no polluting NFL, no worrying about your fantasy lineups, no jockeying with the local pro team for air time.
There is only college football, and it is wonderful.
- Ranking the Big Ten Stadiums
- Thursday Evening
- Friday Evening
- Saturday Morning
- Saturday Afternoon
- Saturday Evening
- It's late and I'm drunk...
- Sunday and Monday
An assistant dean once told me on a campus visit that he – because he had two college-ready kids – had compiled a bingo card of things tour guides say on admissions visits. It included the claim that "We have the friendliest squirrels!" on campus, as I've since realized he was absolutely right about.
He then proceeded to bend down, pull a peanut out of his pocket, and beckon a squirrel over until it took it right out of his fingers.
Life's a spectrum, is what I'm saying.
I took the job, by the way.
Those of us who have spent time around a college or campus have heard those oft-repeated college tour claims: various hauntings, parts of statues you're supposed to rub for good luck before an exam, places where all the students totally hang out all the time and how much they love it. The usual lies, half-truths, and quaint superstitions, re-packaged as advertisements.
One that caught me – and I wasn't even on a tour – was Nebraska's claim that, on game days, Memorial Stadium is the third-largest city in Nebraska.
Intellectually, I not only accepted that claim –it's Nebraska, after all– but I like that idea: all 84,000 of us should be allowed to take a vote as to the terms of our municipal incorporation. Strong mayor? Weak mayor? City manager? Will we have a moratorium on data centers? Will we spay and neuter our pets? What's our policy on data centers? Will we allow toplessness in public parks?
These are important questions, and yet the Minnesota League of Municipalities will not return my requests for comment.
I had and have no reason not to believe the Nebraska people who informed me of that third-largest-city fact. What I DID want to know was how true that was for the rest of the Big Ten.
So here, in order of where they would rank among their respective states' municipalities, are all 19* Big Ten football stadiums.
Ranking the Big Ten Stadiums*
(1) Memorial Stadium (Nebraska): 3rd-Largest
Capacity: 85,458
Similar to: if Grand Island annexed Kearney
Thoughts: I'm just happy to know that college tours have stopped lying to people – if I can't trust the people who said that everyone loves the Northwestern dining hall food, who can I trust?
(2) Beaver Stadium (Penn State): 4th-Largest
Capacity: 106,572
Similar to: Allentown (pop. 125,976) after another round of deindustrialization (see: 2030 Census)
Thoughts: this one was actually surprising, as I thought Pennsylvania had a few cities that were marginally bigger.
(3) Camp Randall Stadium (wisconsin): 6th-Largest
Capacity: 76,057
Similar to: Racine (pop. 77,633) or Appleton (75,023), both in population and in the assembled's racist disdain for Milwaukee
(4) Michigan Stadium: 7th-Largest
Capacity: 107,601
Similar to: Dearborn (pop. 107,423)
Thoughts: See? You elect Abdul El-Sayed and this happens...
(5) Ohio Stadium: 7th-Largest
Capacity: 102,780
Similar to: Middletown (51,617) + Cuyahoga Falls (50,909) - any sense of inhibition, decency, or morals
(6) Kinnick Stadium (Iowa): 8th-Largest
Capacity: 69,250
Similar to: just under 1/2 of Naperville, IL (pop. 150,692) – which is where most of those assembled come from originally
(7) Autzen Stadium (Oregon): 13th-Largest
Capacity: 54,000
Similar to: Tigard, a fact which surely matters to someone
Thoughts: did YOU Know Oregon had six cities with populations over 100,000?! Pennsylvania doesn't even have four!
More thoughts: most likely to have its population legalize toplessness and/or mushrooms in a stadium-wide vote
(8) Ross-Ade Stadium (Purdue): 14th-Largest in Indiana
Capacity: 61,411
Similar to: Kokomo
Actual attendance (4th quarter): 25,000
Actually similar to: East Chicago, both in number and toxicity
(9) Memorial Stadium (Indiana): 19th-Largest
Capacity: 53,524
Similar to: Attendance in the parking lots prior to 2024
Tiebreaker with (10) adjudicated on: recency of national championship
(10) Husky Stadium (Washington): 19th-Largest
Capacity: 70,083
Similar to: South Hill
Thoughts: I have literally none on Washington football
(T-11) Spartan Stadium (Michigan State): 20th-largest)
Capacity: 74,866
Similar to: 3/4 of Michigan Stadium
Thoughts: tied with the next stadium both for 11th on this list and last in the "worst stadium in the Big Ten"...
(T-11) SECU Stadium (Maryland): 20th-Largest
Capacity: 46,185
Similar to: Potomac
(T-11) Huntington Bank Stadium (Minnesota): 20th-Largest
Capacity: 50,805
Similar to: Sartell (19,758) + St. Stephen (694) + St. Michael (20,010) + Albertville (8,207) – conservative, boring, and both the enjoyability and traffic patterns of a rural outlet mall on a Saturday afternoon
(T-11) Memorial Stadium (Illinois): 20th-Largest
Capacity: 60,670
Similar to: Des Plaines (pop. 59,156)
(15) SHI Stadium (Rutgers): 37th-Largest in New Jersey
Capacity: 52,454
Similar to: West New York
Did you know? There is a West New York.
Capacity in the 4th Quarter: 1
Similar to: (tie), Walpack/Tavistock
And that's just an excuse to...
zuzuru
(16) New Ryan Field (Northwestern): 54th-Largest in Illinois
Capacity: 35,000
Similar to: Northbrook (pop. 35,222, home of Chris Collins)
Required? protective gear
(17) Rose Bowl Stadium (UCLA): 93rd-Largest in California
Capacity: 89,702
Similar to: Westminster (89,860)
(18) Los Angeles Coliseum (USC): 116th-Largest in California
Capacity: 77,500
Similar to: Alameda (77,238)
Thoughts: Is it because I reached the end of the article, or the two California schools, that I just don't care about any of this?
(19) Martin Stadium (Northwestern, current): 199th-Largest in Illinois
Capacity: 12,023
Similar to: Crisler Center (Ann Arbor, MI, cap. 12,707)
Thursday Evening
Don't Watch This
UMass Minutemen at Rutgers Scarlet Knights (-29.5, O/U 52.5) [5pm, BTN]
West Georgia Wolves at Kennesaw State Owls (-22.5, O/U 51.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
Akron Zips at Wake Forest Demon Deacons (-24.5, O/U 48.5) [6pm, ACCN]
Bethune-Cookman Wildcats at UCF Citronauts (-42.5, O/U 58.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
Albany Great Danes at Buffalo Bulls (-18.5, O/U 48.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
Merrimack Warriors at Delaware Fightin' Blue Hens (-28.5, O/U 55.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
Lindenwood Lions at Stony Brook Seawolves [6pm, Flo]
Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions at #25 Missouri Tigers (-54.5, O/U 61.5) [7pm, SECN]
Eastern Illinois Panthers at Minnesota Golden Gophers (-42.5, O/U 51.5) [7pm, Le Coq]
Idaho Vandals at #21 Utah Utes (-34.5, O/U 57.5) [8pm, ESPNU]
UAB Blazers at Illinois Fighting Illini (-27.5, O/U 54.5) [8pm, BTN]
Watch That
Merchant Marine Mariners at Montclair State Red Hawks
4pm | YouTube | The Battle for the Lighthouse Keeper's Rifle
Colorado Buffaloes at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
7pm | ESPN | GT -6.5 | O/U 50.5
Lest you think I wake up and write these at the last goddamn minute, I'm draft this from the Nashville International Airport on Sunday morning, as I'm waiting for the second leg of my flight to Indianapolis.
Why? Because it turns out flights are stupid expensive at baseline – doubly so if your new employer tells you that with 16 days' notice you're going to need a book a flight to what I'm now thinking might be the most needlessly expensive airport in the world. Anyway, that meant Southwest flights with a layover both ways.
And I gotta say?
I don't hate the new Southwest.
Look, the new "basic economy fare" bullshit sucks. So does not having the two free checked bags – that was often the decider for me in if I'd take Southwest from MSP.
But as far as "getting from Point A to Point B" goes, they still do a good job. They serve you a drink and snack on a flight, which Delta is now trying to actively avoid whenever possible. I don't miss the "choose your own seat" thing as much as I thought I would – boarding is immensely easier, save for the usual routine of people still losing all their faculties when asked to put a bag in an overhead bin in a timely manner.
So congrats, Southwest – you're basically Delta now, in my books, only I have a credit card with Delta and not you. So...uh...see you never unless I need you.
Friday Evening
Don't Watch This
Indiana State Sycamores at Purdue Boilermakers (-36.5, O/U 56.5) [6pm, BTN]
North Carolina A&T Aggies at Georgia State Panthers (-29.5, O/U 62.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
Franklin Pierce Murderin' Trains at Marist Red Foxes [6pm, ESPN+]
UTEP Miners at #10 Oklahoma Sooners (-41.5, O/U 51.5) [7pm, SECN+]
LIU Sharks at Kansas Jayhawks (-41.5, O/U 54.5) [7pm, ESPNU]
#7 Miami Fluoride Hurricanes (-24.5, O/U 47.5) at Stanford Cardinal [8pm, ESPN]
Fresno State Bulldogs at #14 USC Trojans (-21.5, O/U 51.5) [8pm, FOX]
Watch That
San Jose State Spartans at Eastern Michigan Eagles
5:30pm | ESPN+ | EMU -3 | O/U 56.5
Toledo Rockets at Michigan State Spartans
7pm | FS1 | MSU -9.5 | O/U 46.5
San Jose State and Eastern Michigan have both been, at various points in the lifespan of DWT;WT, official DWT;WT Teams of Choice™️. I'm bullish on the Spartans, given their competent showing against USC – Luke Weaver has the mustache and a little grit to him. (Yes, he's white.) Curious to see how the receiving corps shakes out, because "Pick up a SJSU WR and ride him to a creditable fantasy showing" has proven a very good strategy in past years.
Meanwhile, EMU's got the redemption arc to Noah Kim's career, and go for them – the MAC is always a crapshoot, and with Michigan State and wisconsin lurking, a 2-2 non-con record (Lindenwood's the other game) would be enough for a bowl game, I'd think. Go EMUs, go Coach Kens, let's all have fun and get weird on the gray turf.
Toledo's a not-so-sneaky upset pick. Name one time Pat Fitzgerald has fucked around in a non-conference game and lost to a MAC team. Go ahead, I dare you.
(No, really. I like seeing Sparty fans suffer.)
Saturday Morning
Don't Watch This
UNT Mean Green at #6 Indiana Hoosiers (-40.5, O/U 55.5) [11am, FOX]
East Carolina Pirates at #13 Alabama Crimson Tide (-27.5, O/U 52.5) [11am, ABC]
Oregon State Beavers at #23 Houston Cougars (-20.5, O/U 49.5) [11am, ESPN]
Lafayette Leopards at UConn Huskies (-19.5, O/U 52.5) [11am, ?]
James Madison Dukes (-6, O/U 50.5) [11am, ESPNU]
Ohio Bobcats at Nebraska Cornhuskers (-23.5, O/U 46.5) [11am, FS1] - Frank Solich Bowl
Coastal Carolina Chanticleers at West Virginia Mountaineers (-21.5, O/U 56.5) [11am, TNT]
Bryant Bulldogs at Army Black Knights (-36.5, O/U 50.5) [11am, CBSSN]
New Hampshire Wildcats at Syracuse Orange (-33.5, O/U 56.5) [11am, ACCN]
Balls Tate Robotbirds at #1 Ohio State Buckeyes (-50.5, O/U 56.5) [11:30am, BTN]
Miami Hydroxide Redhawks at Pittsburgh Panthers (-16.5, O/U 48.5) [11:30am, The CW]
Kent State Golden Flashes at South Carolina Gamecocks (-36.5, O/U 54.5) [11:45am, SECN]
SEMO State RedHawks at Iowa State Cyclones (-29.5, O/U 53.5) [12pm, ESPN+]
Youngstown State Penguins at Kentucky Wildcats (-23.5, O/U 62.5) [12pm, SECN+]
Duquesne Dukes at Air Force Falcons (-28.5, O/U 58.5) [12pm, MW+]
Watch That
#5 (FCS) Tarleton State Texans at Bowling Green Falcons
11am | ESPN+ | BG -2.5 | O/U 48.5
I think this would mark the second straight year the morning slate was (or should've been) a "Go Outside" slate. WOOF these are ugly.
Circling back to Friday night's games, let's take a moment to celebrate the UTEP Miners, instantly becoming a Team of Choice™ in 2026 for this:
This is a jersey patch sponsor category that I wasn't expecting.... UTEP FB will be sponsored by a *union*https://t.co/5GqsztPdZJ
— Matt Brown (@MattBrownEP) September 2, 2026
✊⛏️✊⛏️✊⛏️✊⛏️✊⛏️✊⛏️✊⛏️✊⛏️✊⛏️✊⛏️✊⛏️✊⛏️✊⛏️✊⛏️✊⛏️✊
(Greg Abbott's going to issue an executive order making this illegal by the end of the weekend.)
Saturday Afternoon
Don't Watch This
#8 (FCS) Rhode Island Rams at Temple Owls (-14.5, O/U 51.5) [1pm, ESPN+]
Tennessee State Tigers at #3 Georgia Bulldogs (-46.5, O/U 54.5) [2pm, SECN+]
Boise State Broncos at #2 Oregon Ducks (-24.5, O/U 51.5) [2:30pm, CBS]
Texas State Bobcats at #5 Texas Longhorns (-29.5, O/U 59.5) [2:30pm, ESPN]
Marshall Thundering Herd at #18 Penn State Nittany Lions (-24.5, O/U 52.5) [2:30pm, FS1]
Furman Paladins at #20 Tennessee Volunteers (-46.5, O/U 66.5) [2:30pm, SECN+]
Baylor Bears at Auburn Tigers (-7.5, O/U 58.5) [2:30pm, ABC]
Fordham Rams at North Dakota State Testicular Torsion Clinic and Bull Insemination Summer Camp, Accreditation Pending, Bizon (-41.5, O/U 56.5) [2:30pm, MW+]
Towson Tigers at Navy Midshipmen (-30.5, O/U 50.5) [2:30pm, CBSSN]
The Citadel Bulldogs at The Charlotte 49ers (-20.5, O/U 46.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Maine Black Bears at Appalachian State HOT HOT HOT (-19.5, O/U 53.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
UT Rio Grande Valley Vaqueros at UTSA Roadrunners (-28.5, O/U 59.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Northern Illinois Huskies at #22 Iowa Hawkeyes (-31.5, O/U 44.5) [3:15pm, BTN]
North Alabama Lions at Arkansas Razorbacks (-40.5, O/U 63.5) [3:15pm, SECN]
Alcorn State Braves at Southern Miss Golden Iggles (-20.5, O/U 50.5) [4pm, ESPN+]
Watch That
Boston College Eagles at Cincinnati Bearcats
2:30pm | FOX | Cincy -7.5 | O/U 49.5
Tulane Green Wave at Duke Blue Devils
2:30pm | ACCN | Duke -7.5 | O/U 51.5
Oklahoma State Cowboys at Tulsa Golden Hurricane
2:45pm | ESPNU | Okie Lite -13.5 | O/U 49.5
How are you? Holding up OK?
Saturday Evening
Don't Watch This
Just assume there are lots of games here and most of them are shitty.
FCS Shenanigan Potential
Idaho State Bengals at Utah State Aggies
6pm | CBSSN | USU -13.5 | O/U 62.5
#2 (FCS) South Dakota State Jackrabbits at Northwestern Wildcats
7pm | BTN | NU -13.5 | O/U 46.5
Watch That – Rivalry Time
Wyoming Cowboys at Colorado State Rams
5pm | USA | CSU -3 | O/U 46.5 | BOOT BOOT BOOT BOOT BOOT
Arkansas State Red Wolves at Memphis Tigers
6pm | ESPN+ | Memphis -11.5 | O/U 52.5
If you thought I was going to recommend you watch Clemson-LSU because it's two Power Four schools and on ABC, you're out of your damn mind:
MNWildcat
It's late and I'm drunk...
Don't Watch This
Mercyhurst Lakers at New Mexico State Aggies (-28.5, O/U 52.5) [8pm, ESPN+]
Northern Arizona Lumberjacks at Arizona Wildcats (-31.5, O/U 58.5) [8:30pm, ESPN+]
Portland State Vikings at San Diego State Aztecs (-40.5, O/U 61.5) [8:30pm, USA]
Morgan State Bears at Arizona State Sun Devils (-43.5, O/U 52.5) [9pm, ESPN+]
Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils at Sacramento State Hornets (-37.5, O/U 56.5) [9pm, ESPN+]
Central Michigan Chippewas at New Mexico Lobos (-10.5, O/U 46.5) [9pm, FS1]
#6 (FCS) UC Davis Aggies at (non-scholarship) San Diego Toreros [9pm, ESPN+]
Watch That
UNLV Rebels at Hawai'i Rainbow Warriors
9pm | The CW | UNLV -3 | O/U 56.5
UCLA Bruins at Cal Golden Bears
9:30pm | ESPN | UCLA -1.5 | O/U 53.5
Western Kentucky Hilltoppers at Nevada Wolf Pack
9:30pm | CBSSN | WKU -1.5 | O/U 52.5
We're close to a platonic ideal here in the Saturday late slot:
- Hawai'i home game
- P4 non-conference rivalry game with potent offenses
- Random-ass G6 contest
I'm actually surprised, while I have you, that Cal is a home dog to UCLA. Not that I disrespect Bob Chesney or the Bruins (well, I don't disrespect Bob Chesney), but Jaron-Keawe Sagapolutele is just a lot of goddamn fun and it's Week 1.
Oh well. Chips on the shoulder and all that.
Sunday Early
Don't Watch This
Washington State Cougars at #17 Washington Huskies (-23.5, O/U 50.5) [3pm, NBC]
Watch That
Texas Southern Tigers at Prairie View A&M Panthers
11am | ESPN2 | Labor Day Classic
South Carolina State Bulldogs vs. Florida A&M Rattlers
2pm | ESPN | Orange Blossom Classic (in Miami Gardens, FL)
I don't know about you, but a 3pm game in Miami on a Sunday afternoon sounds like a terrible idea to me.
Can't wait.
Sunday Later
Don't Watch This
wisconsin badgers vs. #4 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-20.5, O/U 47.5) [6:30pm, NBC]
Watch That
#24 Lhvl Crdnls at #9 Ole Miss Rebels
6:30pm | ABC | Miss -6.5 | O/U 55.5
Recently I read a long, silly article in which some Catholic commentator wrote 2000 words about how churches should stop moving their tabernacles. I tell you what: the closest thing Catholics have to legally being horny outside wedlock is their hyper-nuanced description of some small liturgical niggle and how they would fix it.
(I am, of course, Guilty of This: you can stop kneeling once the Precious Body has been returned to the tabernacle. This is ESPECIALLY true when your church has some junior priest who likes to do the dishes to an immaculate fault after Communion – rinsing every drop of the Precious Blood out of the cup and making sure every flake of the Precious Body is out of the dishes. By continuing to kneel, you're just kneeling in reverence not of the Host, but of an early-30s twink doing the dishes.
On second thought...)
Monday
Don't Watch This
Who knows
Watch That
#19 SMU Cocaineponies at Florida State Seminoles
6:30pm | ESPN | SMU -3.5 | O/U 53.5
Enjoy the games, everyone.
