As Northwestern went into the half of last week's game against Colorado up, 21-0, on the Buffaloes, I felt a way about 'Cats football that I hadn't in some time – positively, bordering on optimistically.
Of course, as a Minnesotan who last saw a men's professional team win a title when I was one and whose benchmark for success in men's revenue sports is basically "Big Ten West champs" or "made the NCAA Tournament," we can't let those positive feelings hang out in my mind for too long.
So I made banana bread.
We had cleaned out the freezer for dinner, and a bag of five VERY old frozen bananas made their way onto the counter. Mrs. MNW and Wildkit #1 were going to bake muffins or something.
Now, though, it was approaching 9pm and Mrs. MNW had gone to bed without giving them a second though. So, I resolved, rather than drinking ten beers, I would do something vaguely productive. I threw in a load of laundry, picked up the kids' toys, made coffee for the next morning...
...and then picked up the sopping back of now-defrosted bananas.
You'll notice that, amidst the mess, is a cookbook.
Behold, friends, the 1983 cookbook from the Ladies of St. Hildegard Catholic Church in Kraut's Corner, Minnesota. [Names clearly fictionalized.]
Does it have the classic "homemaker" things on the inside cover, including all of them being recognized via their husbands' names? OF COURSE.
Were you wondering about what "artwork" entailed? OF COURSE YOU WERE.
Wait a minut–
As you get into the recipes, though – nearly 400 pages, submitted almost exclusively by the ladies of the parish on everything from cocktail punches to pickled beets to all sorts of questionable lasagna recipes to disgusting mayo-based dips and the various breads, bars, and cakes that gave most of my grandpa's generation high blood pressure and diabetes.
Oh, and since this is Minnesota, were you wondering if we had hotdishes?
Eight pages exclusively devoted to them, with dozens of others peppered throughout the cookbook. (That's all the pepper you'll find in here, mind you – this is rural-ass Minnesota.)
Every time I cook out of this, I'm transported back to the farmhouse outside Kraut's Corner – Grandma MNW with two different kinds of meat for every single meal, sneaking cookies to us, and showering us with the kind of love you'd expect of a grandma who only had one son (who left the farm) and knew the family's days on the farm were numbered. I can smell the cellar, still see the bedrooms packed with her quilting supplies, hear her calling to us playing in the barn or corn crib to come have supper.
Her handwriting is preserved a couple places in this cookbook, and I'm so grateful to have that small connection to her still today.
So thanks, Mrs. Brad Helget, for the banana bread, and all the ladies of St. Hildegard's. And thank you, Grandma, for pushing Dad to get his education and setting us up to thrive.
Oh, and the banana bread turned out great:
Thursday Night
Don't Watch This
whatever NFL slop is on
Watch That
Coastal Carolina Chanticleers
6:30pm | ESPN | CC +2.5 | O/U 50.5
#20 Benedict Tigers at Tuskegee Golden Tigers
6pm | ESPN2
These...these are football games. So, in lieu of talking about them, here's another recipe from the Ladies of St. Hildegard:
There you go, hungry boys. You're welcome.
Friday Night
Don't Watch This
Howard Bison at Rutgers Scarlet Knights (-3, O/U 48.5) [3pm, ESPN]
#21 Harvard Crimson (-13.5, O/U 49.5) at Brown Bears [6pm, ESPN2]
Northwestern Wildcats at #5 Indiana Hoosiers (-21, O/U 49.5) [7pm, FOX]
Watch That
Army Black Knights at Temple Owls
3pm | ESPN | Army -3 | O/U 48.5
Navy Midshipmen at UAB Blazers
6pm | ESPN | Navy -7 | O/U 51.5
Clemson Tigers at California Golden Bears
9:30pm | ESPN | Clemson -1.5 | O/U 50.5
In honor of Temple, I just want to show off what was, for me, the most haunting section of the cookbook's artwork:
I have no idea why Temple and Army are playing at 3pm on a Friday afternoon. I'm sure that's easily Google-able information, but nah. I'm just here to tell you what to watch – and that means "Don't bother watching Indiana beat the brakes off Northwestern." I'll be miserable enough for the both of us.
Saturday Morning
Don't Watch This
#1 Texas Longhorns (-4.5, O/U 55.5) at #14 Tennessee Volunteers [11am, ABC]
Illinois Fighting Illini at #7 Ohio State Buckeyes (-27.5, O/U 54.5) [11am, FOX]
Sam Houston Bearkats at #11 Texas Tech Red Raiders (-34.5, O/U 55.5) [11am, TNT]
Colorado State Rams at UTSA Roadrunners (-13.5, O/U 58.5) [11am, ESPNU]
Virginia Tech Hokies (-14, O/U 48.5) at Boston College Eagles [11am, ACCN]
Colorado Buffaloes at Baylor Bears (-10, O/U 55.5) [11am, ESPN2]
Bucknell Bison at Pittsburgh Panthers (-52.5, O/U 61.5) [11am, ACCNX]
UNLV Rebels (-13.5, O/U 52.5) at Akron Zips [11am, ESPN+]
#23 Shepherd Rams at #3 Kutztown Golden Bears [11am, GBSN]
South Alabama Jaguars at Kentucky Wildcats (-20.5, O/U 54.5) [11:45am, SECN]
Lindenwood Lions at Eastern Michigan Eagles (-26.5, O/U 50.5) [12pm, ESPN+]
Watch That
Wake Forest Demon Deacons at #16 Lhvl Crdnls
11am | ESPN | Lhvl -12.5 | O/U 57.5
This is a disgusting morning of football. Also, please stop and say a prayer for Arch Manning, who apparently was so hurt by the very correct chastisement he received for laughing at an AI-generated video showing his coach slapping a female reporter that...
...oh no, his "personality is gone."
Arjun Bernardshaw
Listen, thinking back to my "personality" when I was 21? Good god. I'm glad some of that's gone. I did, said, and believed some shitty things. Sucks that Arch is learning this lesson in public, but (1) he's being compensated millions of dollars to do so, and (2) I could give a fuck less whether Texas bloggers get fewer "gold" quotes. They won't be #1 more than a couple more weeks.
anyway, more importantly, it's time for...
Balls Tate Robotbirds at Kents Tate Golden Flashes
11am | ESPN+ | Kent -3.5 | O/U 50.5
Curry Colonels at Maine Maritime Mariners
10am | Team1Sports | Curry -35.5 | O/U 38.5 (proprietary)
OK OK OK. So. Balls-Kents is gonna be absolute ass, though you probably already knew that. The Bouncin' Balls are coming off a 51-15 pasting at the hands of the well-past-their-prime Fuckin' Falwells and lost to Ohio State by an eerily similar score of 56-3 in their opener. Like the Balls, who beat FCS Stony Brook, the Flashin' Kents have a win over the FCS Wofford Terriers. Otherwise, the Flashes lost to Sakerlina and Ohio State by a combined score of 116-3.
And if you think that offense is bad?
Maine Maritime is 0-2 on the year.
They have yet to score a point, losing 40-0 to Massachusetts Maritime and 49-0 to Vermont State University-Castleton.
Thhey have 12 first downs on the year, have rushed for 93 yards on 44 attempts (79 of those yards on 22 tries against VSU-C), and...
...well, they're throwing it at a clip that would make the 1980s Big Ten blush.
The Mariners' QB, frosh Stone Harris (great name), has dropped back to pass 48 times. After taking away the five sacks he's suffered, he is 16 for 43, totalling 123 yards and an interception.
On a more positive note, he's punted it 11 times for 372 yards, a 33.8 average, with 4 inside the 20. Keep fighting the good fight, Stone.
Curry, for what it's worth, is 1-2, but has put up 35, 41 (W), and 48 points in those three tilts. We've got the Official OTR Line set at Curry -35.5, O/U 42.5. Good luck to both teams.
I declare Curry-Maine Maritime...
Saturday Afternoon
Don't Watch This
#3 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-27.5, O/U 58.5) at Purdue Boilermakers [1pm, Le Coq]
Northern Illinois Huskies at Georgia State Panthers (-10.5, O/U 55.5) [1pm, ESPN+]
Central Arkansas Bears at Florida State Seminoles (-44.5, O/U 60.5) [2pm, ACCN]
Oklahoma Sooners at #2 Georgia Bulldogs (-14, O/U 44.5) [2:30pm, ESPN]
#4 Ole Miss Rebels at #21 Florida Gators (-3.5, O/U 58.5) [2:30pm, ABC]
#15 Utah Utes (-8.5, O/U 48.5) at Iowa State Cyclones [2:30pm, FOX]
TCU Horned Frogs (-3, O/U 48.5) at UCF Citronauts [2:30pm, FS1]
UConn Huskies at Miami Hydroxide Redhawks (-3.5, O/U 51.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Gardner-Webb Runnin' Bulldogs at Marshall Thundering Herd (-24.5, O/U 51.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Bobby Morris Colonials at Buffalo Bulls (-28.5, O/U 44.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
New Mexico Lobos (-11.5, O/U 48.5) at New Mexico State Aggies [2:30pm, CBSSN]
Bill & Mary at Duke Blue Devils (-43.5, O/U 61.5) [2:30pm, ACCNX]
Stonehill Skyhawks at Ohio Bobcats (-32.5, O/U 52.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
#25 Houston Cougars (-18.5, O/U 56.5) at Georgia Southern Eagles [3pm, ESPNU]
NC Central Eagles at East Carolina Pirates (-34.5, O/U 54.5) [3pm, ESPN+]
Vanderbilt Commodores at Auburn Tigers (-9.5, O/U 54.5) [3:15pm, SECN]
wisconsin badgers at #13 Penn State Nittany Lions (-9.5, O/U 44.5) [4pm, Le Coq]
Nebraska Cornhuskers (-5.5, O/U 49.5) at Michigan State Spartans [4pm, BTN]
USF Brahman Bulls (-17.5, O/U 49.5) at Bowling Green Falcons [4pm, ESPN+]
Pony Trophy
Hawai'i Rainbow Warriors at Wyoming Cowboys
2pm | The CW | Hawai'i -3 | O/U 44.4 | Paniolo Trophy
BAD DAY TO BE A TREE
Minot State Beavers at Bemidji State Beavers
2pm | Midco+
Watch That
UCLA Bruins at Maryland Terrapins
12:30pm | BTN | UCLA -1.5 | O/U 56.5
#8 South Dakota Coyotes at #11 Youngstown State Penguins
1pm | ESPN+ | YSU -1.5 | O/U 64.5
Boise State Broncos at Western Michigan Broncos
2:30pm | ESPN2 | Boise -7.5 | O/U 50.5
We know, we know, you're watching
#17 Iowa Hawkeyes at #18 Michigan Wolverines
2:30pm | CBS | Mich -5.5 | O/U 38.5
In honor of the war crime that is Iowa-Michigan...
I just keep reading this and wondering...why.
Saturday Evening
Don't Watch This
Delaware Fighting Blue Hens at Virginia Cavaliers (-19.5, O/U 52.5) [5pm, ACCN]
James Madison Dukes (-6, O/U 44.5) at Old Dominion Monarchs [5pm, ESPN+]
Incarnate Word Birds at Texas State Bobcats (-30.5, O/U 64.5) [5pm, USA]
LIU Sharks at FIU Sunblazers (-33.5, O/U 52.5) [5pm, ESPN+]
Central Michigan Chippewas at #6 Miami Fluoride Hurricanes (-41.5, O/U 54.5) [5:30pm, The CW]
Louisiana Ragin' Cajuns (-10, O/U 49.5) at Charlotte 49ers [5:30pm, ESPN+]
Sakerlina Gamecocks at #8 Alabama Crimson Tide (-12.5, OU 53.5) [6pm, ESPN]
Kansas State Wildcats (-6.5, O/U 55.5) at Cincinnati Binturongs [6pm, ESPN2]
Southern Miss Golden Iggles at Tulane Green Wave (-18.5, O/U 52.5) [6pm, ESPN+] – Battle for the Bell
Kennesaw State Owls at Arkansas State Red Wolves (-6.5, O/U 52.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
Mercyhurst Lakers at Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (-38.5, O/U 56.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders at Jacksonville State Gameoccks (-7, O/U 51.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
#23 Texas A&M Aggies at #10 LSU Tigers (-8.5, O/U 51.5) [6:30pm, ABC]
Appalachian State Mountaineers at North Carolina State Wolfpack (-14, O/U 55.5) [6:30pm, ESPNU]
Houston Christian Huskies at North Texas Mean Green (-38.5, O/U 58.5) [6:30pm, ESPN+]
Troy Trojans at Utah State Aggies (-3, O/U 47.5) [6:30pm, CBSSN]
Arizona B E A R D O W N (-10.5, O/U 48.5) at Washington State Cougars [6:30pm, CBS]
#19 Mizzou Tigers at #24 Mississippi State Bulldogs (-6.5, O/U 58.5) [6:45pm, SECN]
Tulsa Golden Hurricane at Arkansas Razorbacks (-7.5, O/U 50.5) [7pm, SECN+]
FAU Owls (-13.5, O/U 57.5) at UL Monroe Warhawks [7pm, ESPN+]
Portland State Vikings at Weber State Wildcats (-7.5, O/U 65.5) [7pm, ESPN+]
Watch That
Oklahoma State Cowboys at West Virginia Mountaineers
6pm | FS1 | WVU -1.5 | O/U 60.5
#20 Oregon Ducks at #12 USC Trojans
6:30pm | NBC | UO -3 | O/U 62.5
Perhaps, some of the various "ethnic" hotdishes aside, you've been thinking "Wow, this isn't half-bad for 1983!"
Well, friends, here's Sister Darlene with Amigo Pie:
SPICY.
It's late and I'm drunk...
Don't Watch This
Missouri State Bears at #22 SMU Cocaineponies (-34.5, O/U 60.5) [8pm, ACCN]
Oregon State Beavers (-10.5, O/U 55.5) at UTEP Miners [8pm, MW+]
Rice Owls at Fresno State Bulldogs (-13.5, O/U 44.5) [9pm, The CW]
Air Force Falcons (-5.5, O/U 50.5) at Nevada Wolf Pack [9:30pm, FS1]
#18 Northern Arizona Lumberjacks at #1 Montana State Bobcats (-21.5, O/U 57.5) [9:30pm, ESPN2]
Minnesota Golden Gophers at Washington Huskies (-10, O/U 46.5) [10pm, FOX]
Watch That
#5 Montana Grizzlies at #10 UC Davis Aggies
9pm | ESPN+ | UCD -2.5 | O/U 61.5
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at Stanford Cardinal
9:30pm | ESPN | GT -3.5 | O/U 48.5
Above All, Watch
UMass Minutemen at Sacramento State Hornets
8pm | ESPN+ | UMass -3.5 | O/U 48.5
Thaaaaat's the stuff right there. Game of the year energy in The Nest.
Enjoy the games, everyone. Polls later if I can.
