Week 2 Big Ten Power Poll: Big Ten Teams as "Star Wars" Quotations

Transient Buckeye Intro: Finally! We're a couple of weeks in, and everyone has had a chance to watch their favorite team take the field, leading either to glorious victory or hilarious (to fans of every other Big Ten team) faceplants. We've all been watching on tenterhooks to see if our school's proton torpedoes will find the thermal exhaust port (that sounds lot dirtier when you write it than it does when you say it out loud), or if your season is about to be frozen in carbonite. This week, we welcome a contribution from Mochila03, which comes to us from a galaxy far, far away. Over to you, Mochila!

Welcome to Week Two of the Big Ten Power Poll series! If you were excitedly awaiting to see how I rank tarragon in the Herbs/Spices Power Poll, I’m afraid you must wait a bit longer. With permission from our esteemed poll manager, I have pivoted to a topic near and dear to many: Star Wars.

If you’re unfamiliar with this saga, it’s the story of a boy, a girl, and a universe. (Their words, not mine.) Unlike Star Wars, this Power Poll was not a billion years in the making, though the offseason may have made the wait feel that long. And so, without further ado…

#1 Indiana (2-0, 0-0): "Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station."

Last Week: 2 High: 1 Low: 18 FPV: 8 LPV: 1

What was the bigger war crime--Tarkin's destruction of Alderaan, or the CGI re-creation of Peter Cushing that featured in *Rogue One*?

Here sits Grand Moff Tarkin, who is happy to take Krennic’s achievement and run with it. As the new commanding officer of the Death Star, Cignetti and Indiana have chosen to rule through fear. Last season, they turned their weapon on the planets Oregon and Alabama, demonstrating the awesome firepower at their disposal. Ruling through fear can come at a cost though, and Indiana needs to be aware of any plucky upstarts who have chosen to stand up to the moon-sized terror. Cignetti, like Tarkin, however, is unlikely to be cowed by opposition, and may end up choosing not to evacuate in their moment of triumph.

[Transient Buckeye note: Cignetti does look perpetually constipated...you might be on to something with the whole "choosing not to evacuate" line...]

#2 USC (3-0, 0-0): "I don't know where you get your delusions, laserbrain."

Last Week: 4 High: 2 Low: 14 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

If they didn't have their delusions, USC fans wouldn't have anything.

Like Oregon, USC entered the seasons with big aspirations. A dream of finally making the College Football Playoff and once again reclaiming their “rightful” spot among the elite. Unless you’ve been frozen in carbonite recently, nobody is surprised by these delusions of grandeur. USC has long held that they belong among the best with nothing to show for it. A mostly solid start to the season has some believing this might be the year. I’m not holding my breath though.

#3 Ohio State (1-1, 0-0): "We Stand Here Amidst My Achievement. Not Yours!"

Last Week: 1 High: 3 Low: 13 First Place Votes: 1 Last Place Votes: 0

The battle cry of middle managers everywhere.

Ohio State sits atop the Power Poll shouting into the wind that the conference belongs to them and they are responsible for its reputation as a powerhouse, not Indiana. This has largely been true this century, but could they be losing their grip to the new commander? Ohio State will kick and scream all season long, beating their chests, but it may only be to end up watching their beloved weapon turned against them.

#4 Penn State (2-0, 0-0): "There's always a bigger fish."

Last Week: 5 High: 3 Low: 5 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

Want to give a Penn State fan PTSD? Slap a silver helmet adorned with Buckeye leaves on that sucker.

Penn State came out chomping this season, absolutely devouring Marshall 45-0 in their opener. They look scary and act scary, but people forget that they started last season 3-0, outscoring opponents 132-17. And then they rattled off six straight losses, costing Franklin his job. The truth for Penn State is that there always seems to be a bigger fish waiting for them in the depths. It’s just a waiting game to see when and where it comes from. But who knows, with new coach Matt Campbell at the reins, they may evade predators large and small. But Campbell may also learn that traveling through the hyperspace of the Big Ten ain’t like dusting crops back in Iowa.

#5 Iowa : "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

Last Week: 6 High: 3 Low: 6 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

But she only counts by twos and threes, never by sevens.

Name another program for which this quote is more appropriate. At first look at Iowa you might think “what a piece of junk.” And in many ways, you’re probably right. But Iowa always seems to have it where it counts despite looking like it would help if somebody got out and pushed. In their home opener they amassed an un-Iowa-like 507 yards of total offense, including over 200 yards passing. That’s more yards through the air than in 10 games last season! Just don’t look too closely, because you’ll see they completed 21/40 passes for 5.5 yards per attempt. But when you can hold your opponents to 120 yards and 0 points, maybe it doesn’t matter? (Spoiler alert: it will end up mattering.)

#6 Nebraska (2-0, 0-0): "Difficult to see, always in motion is the future."

Last Week: 11 High: 4 Low: 13 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

Will Nebraska be good in 2026? Honestly, I have no clue. With Mini Mahomes’ departure, the Cornhuskers are starting a new QB, but who knows if he’ll be an upgrade or not. Nor are we likely to know how good the team can be until week 6 when they begin their stretch of Indiana, Oregon, Washington, and Illinois. Let’s go to the source though to know definitively what Cornhusker fans will feel:

Luke Skywalker: They were in pain...

Uh oh.

#7 UCLA (2-0, 0-0): "Great, kid. Don't get cocky!"

Last Week: 9 High: 6 Low: 11 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

South Carolina fans would struggle mightily to heed this advice.

In what was slated to be one of the more interesting games of Week 1, the UCLA Bruins faced the Cal Golden Bears. UCLA was a slight favorite, with many expecting Cal to get the upset. For three quarters, it was the knock out fight between two evenly matched brown bears that people were expecting. And then UCLA dropped 21 in the fourth to cruise to a comfortable win. It was Bob Chesney’s first time manning the gun at UCLA, and it may have UCLA fans gleeful about the team’s potential. Just don’t start crowing until the last TIE fighter is taken down.

#8 Washington (2-0, 0-0): "R2-D2, you know better than to trust a strange computer!"

Last Week: 8 High: 4 Low: 13 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

Trusting Jedd Fisch feels like a bad idea, too.

Sagarin has Washington #20 (as of the time I wrote this). For the Washington fans hoping this is a sign of good things to come, C-3PO has a word of caution for you. Strange computers are often wrong about teams, and Washington could be moving towards another mediocre season. Of course, 3PO is often wrong, R2 often right, so it might turn out that they are on to good things this year. Only time will tell.

#9 Michigan (2-0, 0-0): "Somehow, Palpatine returned."

Last Week: 17 High: 6 Low: 17 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

With any luck, Michigan's resurgence will last just as long as Palpatine's.

The real villains were the writers we apparently didn’t have along the way. I don’t know who’s to blame for that, but in this case the blame moves up. And the same can be said for what happened in Week 1. Can’t find a good way to write the ending for that game? Somehow, one second returned. It was a disgrace. It was an embarrassment. Michigan should be shamed. Michigan should be ashamed. But they won’t. It’s Michigan vs. the World after all, and everybody else is the problem in their world. That said, the resulting memes from both film and football have been pretty amusing...

#10 Northwestern: "I got a bad feeling about this."

Last Week: 12 High: 7 Low: 12 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

This scene from *Star Wars* dramatically re-enacts what Northwestern is doing to their seating capacity. Will no one think of the tarps?

Northwestern narrowly escaped disaster in Week 1. Playing an FCS team (albeit a good one), it’s never a good sign when you’re only up 2 in the fourth quarter. But they managed to blast open a hole and dive headlong to safety. The only problem is though they’ve avoided a loss now, more danger is lurking just down the trash chute. The Wildcats will face the midden heap that is Colorado—do they have an R2-D2 up their sleeve to save them? Even if they do, Indiana and Penn State await them next.

#11 Oregon (1-1, 0-0): "Be careful not to choke on your aspirations, Director."

Last Week: 3 High: 7 Low: 17 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

This week felt premature. We're not used to seeing Oregon choke until the CFP.

Oregon came into the season with high hopes. A #2 ranking and dreams of finally reaching the top of the college football mountain. And while that dream was not dashed after week 1, they were certainly given a scare coming dangerously close to choking. Despite what appeared to be a dominant performance by Oregon in the box score, it took a touchdown halfway through the fourth quarter to pull away from Boise State. Can Oregon tighten the ship, or will Vader’s pun prove to be a prognostication?

#12 Maryland (2-0, 0-0): "It's a trap!"

Last Week: 13 High: 8 Low: 15 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

Just before he wound up as the topping on a Chessie.

[Cue “Into the Trap” by legendary composer John Williams.] They won 62-0 in Week 1?! They had 646 yards of offense and held their opponent to just 85 yards?! The force might be with this Maryland team! But wait… Break off the fanfare. All Maryland fans pull up. There are enemy programs in Sector 47. It’s a trap! We’ve seen it before; we will see it again. September Maryland is a thing to behold, but it’s not to be trusted further into the season.

#13 Michigan State (2-0, 0-0): "No reward is worth this."

Last Week: 14 High: 8 Low: 14 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

Michigan State entered the season with a $401 million commitment by Greg and Dawn Williams. An incredibly generous donation primarily for athletics. But by many accounts, it came with some strings attached in the name of new Spartan head football coach Pat Fitzgerald. After watching MSU limp to a 10-point win against Toledo (hey, at least they didn’t lose!), some of us Spartans are left dreading three years of a sad on field product, thinking that no donation is worth this blight on our football program.

(My real opinion is that it’s a crazy sum of money and you gotta secure that bag. I don’t have to like Fitzgerald, but I get it for the sake of MSU’s long-term success.)

#14 Illinois (1-1, 0-0): "Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way?"

Last Week: 7 High: 7 Low: 14 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

Under Lovie Smith, Illinois was an easy win for Big Ten opponents—10 conference wins in 5 seasons. Since replacing Smith, Bielema has turned Illinois into a roadblock for programs that hope to join the upper echelon. They might never be the main hero of the story, but Bielema has Illinois as an imposing figure there to pack a punch and get in the way of uppity princess programs. The thing about being a walking carpet though, is that occasionally they’ll be used by Indiana and others to wipe their feet on.

#15 Wisconsin (1-1, 0-1): "This deal is getting worse all the time."

Last Week: 15 High: 10 Low: 16 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

Lando certainly felt Badgered by the Empire.

Luke Fickell at Cincinnati: 57-18 with appearances—both losses—in the Peach and Cotton Bowls. Fickell at Wisconsin: 17-22 and recently getting pantsed by Notre Dame. I can’t speak for Wisconsin fans, but I recollect some level of excitement at picking up Fickell when they did. Must have seemed like a great get, but as time goes on, they find themselves, like Lando, praying the deal isn’t altered any further. If it gets any worse, they may just be cutting ties with Fickell altogether. (I predict by Week 9 at the latest.)

#16 Minnesota (1-1, 0-0): "Oh, my! What have you done!? I'm BACKWARDS!"

Last Week: 10 High: 12 Low: 17 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

Peej should start running backwards at the quarter breaks, just to increase the degree of difficulty.

PJ Fleck arrived at Minnesota with much fanfare and a trademarked slogan. After two years of growth, Minnesota had a breakout season going 11-2 with a win in the Outback Bowl and a top 10 ranking to boot. But since then, the program has begun to move backwards, going from 9-win seasons to 8-win seasons (and a 6-7 season sandwiched between). Winning seasons all the same with bowl wins to boot, but the trajectory may have some Gopher fans beginning to see Fleck as an overgrown mophead (despite being bald).

#17 Purdue (1-1, 0-0): "You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you near-sighted scrap pile!"

Last Week: 16 High: 15 Low: 17 FPV: 0 LPV: 0

I hate sand. It's coarse and rough and gets everywhere.

Look, Indiana State is an FCS program, but it’s Purdue we’re talking about. A win is a win. And for them, it’s something to celebrate. “They won pretty comfortably; maybe they could be ok!” Don’t get technical with me. The path ahead is much too rocky, insofar as there are no more FCS teams to play. Unlike R2, however, Purdue fans will not be shocked by the result.

#18 Rutgers (0-2, 0-0): "Nooooooooo!"

Last Week: 19 High: 16 Low: 18 FPV: 0 LPV: 8

This should feel tragic. But the delivery is hilarious. Well, to all of us who don’t root for Rutgers that is. What more can be said of a university that killed its own cherished football program?

Transient Buckeye: Great job, Mochila03, that was one in a million! Please add your own favorite Star Wars quotes in the comments--even if they come from The Rise of Skywalker. Where did our voters screw up this week?

Archiving this year's Power Polls:

Week 1: