Transient Buckeye Intro: This week features the first of this season's crowdsourced Power Poll topics, courtesy of Broasted Nutcrackle. You can always count on Ohio State fans forcing their way to the front of every line. With no further ado, let's hand things over to this week's guest author. Take it away, B.N.!
It’s Week One! There were meaningless games! We still don’t really know what’s going to happen, just like the young protagonist in everyone’s favorite Muppet/fantasy/David Bowie crossover movie. Yes, I speak of Jim Henson’s 1986 masterpiece Labyrinth. To celebrate the 40th anniversary of this film, I am comparing each B1G team to one of its characters.
#1 Ohio State (1-0, 0-0): Jareth the Goblin King
Last Week: 1 High: 1 Low: 3 First Place Votes: 7 Last Place Votes: 0
Let’s face it: the villain is clearly the main character and also a fan favorite. He is able to bend the rules to his whims, inspiring one of Sarah’s most famous lines, “It’s not fair!” (see: 2020 Indiana). The team with a nut for a mascot seems to be low-hanging fruit (pun intended) as a stand-in for the guy with the famous bulge.
#2 Indiana (1-0,, 0-0): Sarah
Last Week: 3 High: 1 Low: 18 FPV: 3 LPV: 1
Previously disrespected and not taken seriously, Sarah is the newly successful champion of the Labyrinth. As the main protagonist in the film, all eyes are on her. Even if she’s not really anybody’s favorite character, the story she finds herself in is very compelling, and her defeat of the Goblin King shocked everybody.
#3 Oregon (1-0, 0-0): Sir Didymus
Last Week: 2 High: 1 Low: 6 FPV: 1 LPV: 0
Flamboyant, up for a fight, and with a massive chip on his shoulder, Sir Didymus tries to block the way forward for anyone hoping to solve the Labyrinth. In the movie, he has been stuck in the same place for quite a while, trying to guard a specific path that several other characters end up walking through after an even battle. Sir Didymus is not exactly a pushover, but he also doesn’t end up getting the spotlight himself, either.
#4 USC (2-0, 0-0): Humongous
Last Week: 4 High: 3 Low: 7 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
The giant titan guarding the Goblin City, Humongous proves to be a formidable adversary. Its shiny armor and weapon of choice remind me more of a Trojan than any other character, so the easy entry for USC is made, especially when one of the cast of main characters defeats it to move on.
#5 Penn State (1-0, 0-0): Fiery
Last Week: 7 High: 3 Low: 8 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
The Fieries are strange creatures that spontaneously lose body parts, much like how Penn State’s legs fell off last season. Their primary rule of “you can only throw your own head” applies to the Nittany Lions, as they jettisoned James Franklin and now have a new noggin.
#6 Iowa (1-0, 0-0): Ludo
Last Week: 8 High: 3 Low: 9 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
Stout, strong, and consistent, Ludo is also kind of boring. Despite his potential, he somehow manages to get captured by three random goblins. He also has the ability to call forth rocks to trip up adversaries. To me, this sounds entirely like the way that Iowa is used to winning games.
#7 Illinois (1-0, 0-0): The Goblin Horde
Last Week: 9 High: 4 Low: 11 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
Goblins come in all shapes and sizes in the Labyrinth, ranging from comic relief to formidable adversaries. Illinois seems uniquely capable of filling any of those roles, be it capturing a giant horned monster or falling over like dominoes.
#8 Washington (1-0, 0-0): Ambrosius
Last Week: 6 High: 6 Low: 12 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
One of the few characters that is not a Muppet (in most scenes anyway), Ambrosius is a hairy dog with a lot of common sense and is maybe more capable than he gets credit for. But he also plays second fiddle to Sir Didymus (Oregon) and his whims, so Ambrosius is a natural fit for Washington.
#9 UCLA (1-0, 0-0): The Two Guards
Last Week: 13 High: 7 Low: 12 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
A pair of identical guards block two doors: one that leads to success, and one that leads to certain doom. You may ask them one single question, but one only tells the truth and one only lies. When confronted with an adventurer who solves their puzzle, they admit “I’ve never understood it!” Such is the way with UCLA, a confusing enigma that may lead to certain doom (looks at 2025 Penn State).
#10 Minnesota (1-0, 0-0): The Wiseman
Last Week: 10 High: 7 Low: 12 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
The Labyrinth is home to a wandering old sage who is famous for his catchphrases. When you pay him a tribute, he will dispense some seemingly wise advice. However, dissecting the words will frequently prove them meaningless. Is there really anything to “row the boat” after back-to-back-to-back 4-6 loss seasons?
#11 Nebraska (1-0, 0-0): False Alarm
Last Week: 11 High: 8 Low: 14 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
The False Alarms are enormous stone heads that are both foreboding and intimidating, bellowing “turn back!” at adventurers who have made it far in the Labyrinth. However, shouting them down reveals that they are just acting the part, and they have not had the chance to really stifle anybody in a long time. Nebraska being back? That’s a false alarm that you can bank on.
#12 Northwestern (1-0, 0-0): Rock
Last Week: 12 High: 10 Low: 15 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
Before the nerd contingent gets too upset, rocks actually are an important character in the movie! They just as easily save the day and defeat enemies on their own as they are used as stepping stones by other more important characters.
#13 Maryland (1-0, 0-0): The Worm
Last Week: 16 High: 8 Low: 15 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
“Who, me? I’m just a worm.” The Worm is a highly endearing character who appears very early in the movie, mirroring September Maryland. Unfortunately, he never appears again, much like October and November Maryland.
#14 Michigan State (1-0, 0-0): Brick Keeper
Last Week: 15 High: 11 Low: 16 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
The Brick Keepers are small creatures (“Little Brother,” anyone?) who live underground and stymie others in the Labyrinth by moving around and hiding wayfinding clues. Not exactly a threat, but definitely an annoyance.
#15 Wisconsin (0-1, 0-0): Toby
Last Week: 14 High: 11 Low: 17 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
He wears red and white stripes and is completely helpless. I’m out of ideas, but this one works for me.
#16 Purdue (1-0, 0-0): The Bog of Eternal Stench
Last Week: 18 High: 13 Low: 17 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
Hoggle said it best: “Put one foot in that thing, and you’ll stink forever.”
[Transient Buckeye note: But enough about the drainage system at Ross-Ade...]
#17 Michigan (0-1, 0-0): Hoggle
Last Week: 5 High: 13 Low: 18 FPV: 0 LPV: 5
Hoggle the dwarf seems to be involved in every major event in the Labyrinth, and he plays foil to both the heroes and the villains of the story. Despite being such a prominent character, at his core he is a deeply unlikable imp that nobody can really stand.
#19 Rutgers (0-1, 0-0): Junk Lady
Last Week: 17 High: 16 Low: 18 FPV: 0 LPV: 5
The Junk Lady constantly reminds characters of events from the distant past, hoping that they will forget where they are and what’s really going on. I have to imagine that Rutgers would really love for that to happen.
Transient Buckeye: Let's give Broasted Nutcrackle a hearty round of applause and a big "thank you!" for this week's contribution! Where did our voters get it wrong this week? Why is Rutgers still too high? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Archiving This Year's Power Polls:
Week 0:
Transient Buckeye
