About three years ago, I offered my first (and until today, only) foray into the realm of Big Ten Power Polls back at the Old Place. In that piece, I tried to link each of the then-fourteen teams in the conference with a particular maritime disaster. That column is still available (unless SBN has nuked it, which, you know, entirely possible) if you want to skim through it and see why you should immediately bail out on reading the rest of this one:
Kate Smith
Great photo of the cast of Gilligan's Island. And yes, that WAS Minnesota, why do you ask?
Since then, the Big Ten has expanded to eighteen teams, having picked the corpse of the Pac-12 clean of its most desirable and tasty bits (and UCLA). That’s certainly a source of frustration for those tasked with writing Power Polls, because holy smokes, there are now eighteen teams in the Big Ten. The New Math, indeed.
Having done a poll on maritime disasters, I wanted to go for something equally weighty this time around. So in this Power Poll, I’ll be connecting each team in the Big Ten to a particular song from the 1970s/1980s Swedish band ABBA. ABBA, famously, took its name from the first initials of each of the four band members (Agnetha Faltskog, Benny Andersson, Bjorn Ulvaeus, and Anne-Frid Lyngstad). The group’s music was a fixture of my early childhood, as my father was a huge fan, and had almost every album the group ever released. As a result, I became very familiar with their catalog. So take a deep breath, whisper “Mamma Mia,” and then take a chance on me and dive into the rest of the column.
#1 Ohio State: The King Has Lost His Crown (1979)
High: 1 Low: 3 First Place Votes: 6 Last Place Votes: 0
Disaster and disgrace/The king has lost his crown
Suddenly/He’s clumsy like a clown
The world is upside down/The king has lost his crown
Ohio State was riding on top of the college football world after winning the 2024 national championship. In 2025, the team rolled through its regular season undefeated, and looked like it might be better than the team that hoisted the crystal football the year before. Then the Big Ten Championship game happened, and Ohio State was toppled from its throne. By Indiana, of all programs! A first-round CFP loss to Miami left a sour taste in the mouths of the Ohio State fanbase at the end of the year. Will the Buckeyes reclaim their crown in 2026, or will it continue to reside with the usurpers from Bloomington?
#2 Oregon: Money, Money, Money (1978)
High: 1 Low: 3 FPV: 2 LPV: 0
I work all night, I work all day to pay the bills I have to pay/Ain’t it sad?
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me/That’s too bad
In my dreams, I have a plan/If I got me a wealthy man
I wouldn’t have to work at all, I’d fool around and have a ball
Money, money, money,/Must be funny/In the rich man’s world
This association is pretty obvious. For many years, Oregon has benefitted from Phil Knight’s largesse, and the sweet, sweet Nike money that came with it. Then, a couple of years ago, they made the decision to join the Big Ten, and gained access to the most lucrative television contract currently held by any league. If it really is always sunny in the rich man’s world, then Oregon has plenty of sunshine in their future.
#3 Indiana: Fernando (1975)
High: 1 Low: 18 FPV: 3 LPV: 1 (I just record 'em, don't blame me)
There was something in the air that night/The stars were bright, Fernando
They were shining there for you and me/For liberty, Fernando
Though I never thought that we could lose/There’s no regret
If I had to do the same again/I would, my friend, Fernando
“Fernando” is a song about the Mexican-American War. There’s a line early in the song about crossing the Rio Grande, and the pride it instilled in soldiers fighting for freedom. When I was growing up, I believed that the song was addressed to a soldier on the American side. I was an idiot when I was a kid, since the only ones fighting for freedom and liberty in that particular conflict were the Mexicans.
As for the association—yeah, this one's easy, too. Fernando Mendoza delivered a Heisman Trophy (!), a Big Ten Championship (!!) and a National Championship (!!!) to Indiana (!!!!). If Indiana fans had to do the same again, they absolutely would, and without a second’s hesitation.
#4 USC: Dancing Queen (1976)
High: 3 Low: 8 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
You are the dancing queen/Young and sweet, only seventeen
Dancing queen/Feel the beat from the tambourine, oh, yeah
You can dance, you can jive/Having the time of your life
Ooh,, see that girl, watch that scene/Digging the dancing queen
If you speak to people who know very little about ABBA, and ask them to name their favorite (or at least best-remembered) ABBA song, odds are that they’re going to respond with “Dancing Queen.” The problem is that “Dancing Queen” really isn’t the reason why ABBA should be remembered, in my humble opinion. It’s not a bad song. It’s fine. But it’s not one of the twenty best songs ABBA produced, and it might not be one of the top thirty.
This association fits USC to a tee. If you ask a casual college football fan to start naming programs, USC will probably be among the first Big Ten teams they name (those same casual fans will also tell you that USC is still part of the PAC-10—this is perfectly understandable, and we won’t hold it against them). But while USC still has a formidable national reputation, the truth of the matter is that throughout the Lincoln Riley era (and for quite a while before it), they’ve been the “Dancing Queen” of the college football world—extremely well-known, but more than a little overrated.
I’d be worried about upsetting USC fans with this association, but I’ve yet to actually meet one, so my attitude toward them is essentially that of Westley from The Princess Bride when it comes to the Fire Swamp’s Rodents of Unusual Size: I don't believe they exist.
#5 Michigan: Cassandra (1981)
High: 5 Low: 10 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
Sorry Cassandra, I misunderstood/Now the last day is dawning
Some of us wanted, but none of us would/Listen to words of warning
But on the darkest of nights/Nobody knew how to fight/And we were caught in our sleep
Sorry Cassandra, I didn’t believe/You really had the power
I only saw it as dreams you would weave/Until the final hour
In ancient Greek mythology, Cassandra was a prophetess of the God Apollo. She lived in the city of Troy at the time of the Trojan War. Since Greek deities, particularly the male ones, were perpetually horny, Apollo lusted after Cassandra, but she spurned his advances. As punishment, Apollo blessed her with the skill of prophesy, but cursed her by ensuring that no one would believe her prophesies. During the Trojan War, she warned about the dangers of the Trojan Horse, but her warnings were ignored, the Greek soldiers hidden inside opened the city’s gates, and Troy was destroyed.
Beginning sometime in 2021 and continuing into the middle of the 2023 season, Michigan, like Cassandra, also had the ability to predict the future. But the NCAA, playing the role of King Priam, did not believe in the accuracy of these prophesies, since they pretty much let the Wolverines skate on the whole Connor Stallions situation.
#6 Washington: Why Did It Have to Be Me (1976)
High: 3 Low: 10 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
When you were lonely, you needed a man/Someone to lean on, well I understand
It’s only natural, but why did it have to be me?
Nights can be empty, nights can be cold/So you were looking for someone to hold
That’s only natural, but why did it have to be me?
Washington, despite some ups and downs, had a pretty good run in the decade before joining the Big Ten. They made the four-team college football championship field in 2016. Yes, they got boat-raced by Alabama in the semifinals, but Nick Saban Alabama teams did that to almost everybody, so there was no shame there. In 2023, energized by an atypically erect Penix, they made it all the way to the national title game before running out of stamina against Michigan.
But the Huskies have struggled to replicate that success since joining the Big Ten in 2024. They are now logjammed into a massive conference containing at least six programs whose ceilings look reliably higher than their own. Saturday nights during college football season can be empty and cold, and there’s no denying that many of us were craving Big Ten After Dark to help keep us warm. But when it comes to their role in filling that niche, many Washington fans are openly wondering “Why did it have to be me?”
#7 Penn State: Slipping Through My Fingers (1981)
High: 4 Low: 9 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
The feeling that I’m losing her forever/And without really entering her world
I’m glad whenever I can share her laughter/That funny little girl
Slipping through my fingers all the time/I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it/Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind?/Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing/Slipping through my fingers all the time
1981’s The Visitors is quite different in tone from most of ABBA’s albums. By 1981, the band was on the verge of breaking up, and both marriages among the band’s members had collapsed, as well. The album, as a whole, is much melancholier than their earlier offerings. I also hold that it’s their best album, though I suspect I’m in the minority there. “Slipping Through My Fingers” is a song about parenthood, about trying to build a good relationship with one’s children, and subconsciously worrying that you’re not doing enough. This is a concern that most parents can relate to, I think.
Penn State was consistently quite good throughout most of the James Franklin era. But while the Nittany Lions certainly fielded some good (even very good) teams over the past decade, when it came to the biggest prizes (Big Ten championships, playoff berths, a shot at the 2024/25 national championship game), opportunities consistently slipped through the Lions’ fingers like a Drew Allar pass through a wide receiver’s hands. (*)
(*) Just kidding. Drew Allar didn’t throw the ball to wide receivers.
#8 Iowa: On and On and On (1980)
High: 4 Low: 9 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
On and on and on/Keep on rocking baby/‘Til the night is gone
On and on an on/‘Til the night is gone
On and on and on/Keep on rocking baby/‘Til the night is gone
On and on and on/‘Til the night is gone
Lyrically, “On and On and On” is not one of ABBA’s more creative efforts. The refrain is basically just the same 2 to 3 lines repeated over and over again. This, of course, fits Kirk Ferentz’s Iowa program to a tee. Iowa football really only has about two or three lines, which repeat every season: Win eight games, score most of your points on defense and special teams, and field an offense that is an affront to the eyeballs. And for Iowa fans, this has gone on and on and on since 1999, with no sign that the ending is anywhere in sight.
#9 Illinois: When All is Said and Done (1981)
High: 5 Low: 10 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
It’s so strange, when you’re down, and lying on the floor
How you rise, shake your head, get up and ask for more
Clear-headed and open-eyed/With nothing left untried
Standing calmly at the crossroads, no desire to run
There’s no hurry anymore when all is said and done
It really galls me to assign what is probably my favorite ABBA song to Illinois, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t fit. “When All is Said and Done” is a song about looking back upon your life and your experiences in your twilight, and being content with who and what you are.
Say what you will about Bret Bielema and the joy he takes in shamelessly trolling the hell out of every opponent he plays, he certainly strikes me as someone who is comfortable in his own skin. (*) He knows who and what he is, and if anyone out there has a problem with that, it troubles him not one bit.
(*) This makes sense, because two or three normal-sized people could also be comfortable in Bret Bielema’s skin.
#10 Minnesota: Two For the Price of One (1981)
High: 7 Low: 11 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
If you dream of the girl for you
Then call us and get two for the price of one
We’re the answer if you feel blue
So call us and get two for the price of one
“Two for the Price of One” is a lighthearted little romp from The Visitors, ABBA’s final album pre-breakup. It is relatively rare in that the male half of the group were the primary vocalists, with the band’s female members singing only backing vocals. It tells the story of a man who is desperately scanning the personal ads in a newspaper in search of companionship (do people even do that anymore? Probably not.). He comes across an ad telling interested men to “call us and get two for the price of one.” He works up his nerve and calls one of the women behind the ad. The punch line is that the second of the “two for the price of one” is, in fact, the woman’s mother.
In a way, P.J. Fleck also represents a “two for the price of one” situation for the Golden Gophers. In addition to Fleck himself, the Minnesota fanbase also gets Fleck’s collection of inspirational mottoes. Hopefully this has inspired some intrepid (or desperate) Minnesota fans to row the boat to romance.
#11 Nebraska: Should I Laugh or Cry (1981)
High: 8 Low: 17 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
Strange how dangerously indifferent I have grown (strange how)
Cold as a stone
No more pain where there was pain before (no more)
Far away, he rambles on, I feel my throat go dry
And I wonder, should I laugh or cry?
I should start this section with the caveat that 2025 Nebraska didn’t feature as many self-inflicted pratfalls as most recent editions of Husker football. The Toe-Shooting Pox that afflicted Nebraska throughout the Scott Frost era seems to have greatly diminished since Matt Rhule took over. There were even some feel-good moments for Nebraska fans (They won a one-score game! Then they did it three more times! They went to a bowl game for the second year in a row!) But there were still enough moments of self-inflicted pain and cruel tragedy (Dylan Raiola’s season-ending injury against USC) to leave Nebraska fans unsure of the proper emotional frame of mind with which to approach their games.
#12 Northwestern: Love Isn't Easy (But It Sure Is Hard Enough) (1973)
High: 12 Low: 16 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
We gotta have patience/Love isn’t just a sensation
Some of the time it gets rough/Love isn’t easy but it sure is hard enough
(Sweet sweet our love is bitter-sweet)
Giving love is a reason for living/But a few things can be tough
Love isn’t easy but it sure is hard enough
(Swees sweet our love is bitter-sweet)
The nature of college football has changed enormously over even the past handful of years. Fans of a lot of programs are being forced to reflect upon their relationship to our insane, infuriating, ludicrous sport, and their place within this new and rapidly-evolving world. Our own esteemed MNW has often expressed frustrations with the tidal waves of change that are sweeping across the college football landscape, and what it means for those who have an unhealthy emotional connection to the sport. And yet, for all of the frustrations, we keep coming back, no matter how hard maintaining the love is.
#13 UCLA: Suzy-Hang-Around (1974)
High: 10 Low: 17 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
But you’d better/Look for a friend of your own, Suzy-hang-around
Better come back when you’re grown Suzy-hang-around
Nobody wants you around here and that’s for sure
So get off our playground and stay away
That’s all that we’ve got to say/Suzy-hang-around
“Suzy-Hang-Around” is about a group of adolescent boys being dicks to the younger sister of one of them, who they feel is spoiling their fun by wanting to be part of their play-group. That’s how a lot of Big Ten fans felt about UCLA joining the conference alongside the likes of more high-profile and (at least recently) more successful programs like USC, Oregon, and Washington. A lot of those adolescent boys would probably have reconsidered their feelings toward Suzy a few years later, when Suzy was older and hotter and wouldn’t have been caught dead hanging around with a bunch of dorks like them. If the Bob Chesney reboot is successful, perhaps Big Ten fans’ feelings will undergo a similar evolution.
#14 Wisconsin: Under Attack (1982)
High: 12 Low: 18 FPV: 0 LPV: 1
Now this is getting crazy, I should tell him so/Really let my anger show
‘Cause waiting at the answer to his questions is a definite blow
I’m kind of certain that’s the truth….
…Under attack, I’m being taken/About to crack, defenses breaking
Won’t somebody come and save a heart?/Come and rescue me now ‘cause I’m falling apart
Under attack, I’m taking cover/He’s on my track, my chasing lover
Thinking nothing’s gonna stop him now/Should I want to, I’m not sure, I won’t know how
I admit it, I thought that Luke Fickell was a slam-dunk hire for Wisconsin (then again, I also thought that Scott Frost was an absolute no-brainer of a choice for the head coaching gig in Lincoln, so that’s a telling statement about my acumen in these matters). But Fickell’s efforts to transform Wisconsin’s offensive scheme from the old-school Barry Alvarez/Bret Bielema beat-‘em-up Badgers to the Dairy Raid has come with some…transition costs. Some of this has just been bad luck, as it appears that AWQBHG (*) (Angry Wisconsin Quarterback Hating God, pronounced “AW-qab-hag”) has now taken up permanent residence in Madison, with the consequence that Wisconsin quarterbacks have approximately the same life expectancy as mayflies. Even with that caveat, though, there’s a sense that things are not proceeding according to plan, and Fickell now finds himself under attack from a significant fraction of the Wisconsin fanbase.
(*) AWQBHG belongs to the same pantheon as AIRBHG (Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God), who, if I am remembering correctly, was first written into existence by Brian Cook at MGoBlog back in the early- to mid-2000s.
#15 Michigan State: S.O.S. (1975)
High: 11 Low: 17 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
Where are those happy days they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind
Whatever happened to our love? I wish I understood
It used to be so nice. It used to be so good
So when you’re near me, darling, can’t you hear me S.O.S.?
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me, S.O.S.
Happy days have been quite hard to find for Spartan fans over the last few seasons. The love that Mel Tucker was looking for did not save him (quite the opposite, in fact). The post-breakup rebound relationship with Jonathan Smith didn’t go any better. Things got so bad by the middle of the 2025 season that the Spartans benched talented but erratic quarterback Aidan Chiles in favor of late 1990s and early 2000s action movie star Milla Jovovich. MSU showed Smith the door at the end of the 2025 season, and they’ve now called upon former Northwestern head coach Pat Fitzgerald in the hope that he can lead a new Save Our Spartans movement (see? “S.O.S.”). Whether he’ll actually be able to do so remains an open question.
#16 Maryland: Take A Chance on Me (1977)
High: 11 Low: 17 FPV: 0 LPV: 0
If you change your mind, I’m the first in line
Honey, I’m still free/Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around,
If you’ve got no place to go, when you’re feelin’ down
If you’re all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I’m still free/Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best, baby can’t you see
Gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
In 2013, Jim Delaney was feeling down. He had no place to go when the pretty birds (Notre Dame) had flown. But Maryland was gonna be around, and they convinced Delaney to take a chance on them.
Since then, Maryland has been a perfectly cromulent and inoffensive addition to the conference. They’ve delivered hilarity in the form of two non-conference upsets of highly-ranked Texas teams. They’ve also been quite polite to most of their Big Ten brethren, because with the regularity of the swallows returning to Capistrano, Maryland transforms from looking like one of the best teams in the country in September to looking like one of the worst for the rest of the season.
#17 Rutgers: You and I (1986)
High: 13 Low: 16 FPV: 0 LPV: 1
You and I/We’ve seen it all/Chasing our hearts’ desire
But we go on pretending/Stories like ours/Have happy endings
ABBA purists might object to the inclusion of this song in the Power Poll, because “You and I” was never actually performed by the quartet. To these individuals, I would say two things: 1) If you don’t like my choices, write your own damn Power Poll. 2) “You and I” is part of the score for the musical Chess, whose songs were written by Benny Andersson and Bjorn Ulvaeus, the “BB” in “ABBA” – so therefore, it’s close enough and should count.
Rutgers and Greg Schiano have seen it all, between his two stints as the Scarlet Knights’ head coach. Rutgers chased their hearts’ desire (and the money) to the Big Ten beginning in 2014, with Schiano making his return to the program in 2020. But Rutgers was assigned to the Big Ten East, which guaranteed them a succession of annual beatings at the hands of the conference’s heavyweights. The end of divisions with the arrival of the PAC-12 imports seemed to give Rutgers an opportunity. But the Scarlet Knights blew what might be the best chance they’re ever going to have at achieving an eight-win season in 2024, after having been handed a gift-wrapped schedule that missed most of that season’s conference contenders. Despite this, both Rutgers fans and Schiano will go on pretending that stories like theirs have happy endings.
#18 Purdue: Another Town, Another Train (1973)
High: 16 Low: 18 FPV: lol no LPV: 8
Just another town, another train/Waiting in the morning rain
Lord give my restless soul a little patience
Just another town, another train/Nothing lost and nothing gained
Guess I will spend my life in railway stations
Guess I will spend my life in railway stations
This is another easy connection to make, because we’re talking about the Boilermakers, and the song is about trains. But this song works for Purdue in other ways, too. While perhaps the program’s fortunes will improve in Year 2 of the Barry Odom era (I mean, they can’t really get worse than they were under Ryan Walters, can they?), there is still a pretty good chance that by midseason, Purdue fans will be asking the Lord to give their restless souls a little patience—until the return of basketball season.
And that’s that! Which of your favorite ABBA songs did I tragically miss? What associations could’ve been done better? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
