Just Call Them Auburn North

Do you remember the OSU tattoo scandal? Like really remember it? You might remember the holier than thou takes from the Sports Illustrated of the world (Sports Illustrated, remember them?). But you probably don't remember how stupid it was.

The TL;DR is that the FBI started sniffing around a drug dealing loser named Edward Rife, who happened to own a tattoo parlor. Rife went to local Columbus attorney Chris Cicero, who had a renowned bar complaint history that definitely included bragging about having sex with the judge on his cases.

So Rife went to Cicero and talked about various things, including his habit of buying trinkets and bobbles off of current and former Ohio State players. Cicero, after learning of this, made the galaxy brain decision to email head coach Jim Tressel about what he had learned, though he stressed that this was confidential information (Cicero has since been disbarred).

Tressel did not report these emails to Ohio State or the NCAA, which led to a massive scandal that resulted in Tressel being fired and then becoming lieutenant governor of the great state of Ohio.

All of that is say that we here at Ohio State know something about stupid scandals. The Michigan sign stealing scandal was an absolute A+ in stupidity. Connor Stalions appearing on the sidelines of the CMU-Michigan State game wearing Detector Specs should be memorialized in the new Smithsonian.

The Spymaster routine sucked up all the scandal oxygen because it was so stupid and fun. Michigan, though, was attacking ethics on all fronts, including:

• The normal coach cheating part, where Harbaugh met with recruits during a COVID dead period, then lied about it.
• Assistant director of football recruiting "Shemy" Schembechler posting about the benefits of slavery and Jim Crow.
• Alleged that linebacker coach Chris Partridge destroyed evidence and then fired him, only to see the NCAA clear him of any wrongdoing.
• Former offensive coordinator Matt Weiss is currently under indictment for hacking into students' social media to steal their nude pictures. He's set to go to trial on November 4th, right between the Northwestern and Purdue games.

Auburn developed a well-earned reputation as a cheater for reasons too long to list here. The gold standard was somehow convincing the NCAA that Cam Newton's dad solicited 120 grand from Mississippi State for his son to transfer there, then had a change of heart and had him transfer to Auburn for free.

The only difference between Auburn and Michigan is that Michigan is in denial about who they are. When you heard Hugh Freeze would be the Tigers' head coach, your reaction was, "yeah, on brand. War Eagle." Yet seemingly at every turn in Michigan's many scandals, they deny and threaten to sue and say that can't possibly be us.

Michigan is the Artie Ziff of football. Or James from Weapons if you want a more up to date reference (editor's note: go see Weapons). While they are seemingly incredulous that anyone would call them cheaters, Auburn is randomly claiming four more national championships.

Perhaps Michigan wasn't always a bunch of scoundrels. No one can know. The fact remains that they would definitely steal your kid's laptop and try to pawn it for an extra first down. They know it, and we know it. It's time for Michigan to embrace who they are, and that is the Champions of the West, and the Auburn of the North.