College Football ad Similitudium: Regional Finals

Hail, discerning readers!

Welcome back to the finest bracket contest that OffTackleRepublic has ever run. I'm deeply thankful for all of the audience engagement and votes that this series has received, because if it weren't for all of you, I'd have had to make up the results.

We've reached the regional finals, which means we've got some truly epic matchups this week. But before we get to them, it's time to report the results of last week's contests.

Western Bracket Semifinal #1: The Big Ten claimed bragging rights in the first of our contests, as Captain Kirk prevailed over longtime B.Y.U. fixture (and gold-medal-winning Popeye impersonator) LaVell Edwards by a vote of 5-2. Ferentz, emotional as always, consoled his defeated rival by extending a hand and exclaiming "Good job! Hustle off!" Asked if there was anything he could have done to boost his appeal with the voters, Edwards shrugged, then shook his head, stating philosophically "I yam what I yam."

Western Bracket Semifinal #2: Bobby Petrino was unwilling to allow the Big Ten to hog the spotlight in the Western Semifinals. He handily sent the UCLA coaching duo of Rick and "Jerry" Neuheisel down to defeat, prevailing by a vote of 6-1. This sets up the first of a pair of Big Ten vs. S.E.C. showdowns in our regional finals.

Eastern Bracket Semifinal #1: This was by far the closest of our matchups, with Rutgers' Greg Schiano leaping out to a lead in the early vote. But Wisconsin's Bret Bielema was not to be denied, staging a fourth-quarter comeback that saw him prevailing by a vote of 4-3. I am exceedingly grateful to Middlewest Average for casting the deciding ballot, since it spared me the headache of figuring out how I was going to resolve a potential tie.

Eastern Bracket Semifinal #2: Charlie Weis steamrolled his way into the regional semifinals. But in last week's contest, he found an opponent equal parts unstoppable and unintelligible. Ed Orgeron raced out to an early lead in the voting, and never looked back. Weis became the first contestant in our bracket to bow out without receiving a single vote, as Orgeron prevailed 7-0. I'm sure we can all agree that this is still a much better fate than Notre Dame deserves.

Now let's get on to the reason you're all here: Chronic insomnia intense boredom our riveting regional finals matchups!

Western Bracket Final: Kirk Ferentz (Iowa) vs. Bobby Petrino (Arkansas)

If there is any word that you'd choose to describe this matchup, it would have to be "resiliency," right? Bobby Petrino shrugs off motorcycle accidents and extramarital affairs like Kirk Ferentz shrugs off rhabdomyolysis outbreaks in Iowa's locker room. Despite controversies and criticism, Ferentz has been an Iowa fixture for more than a quarter-century, while Petrino has risen, phoenix-like, from the ashes of his own career to return to hog heaven. One of them is going to make the finals of this stupid contest.

Eastern Bracket Final: Bret Bielema (Wisconsin) vs. Ed Orgeron (L.S.U.)

This matchup is sponsored by the word of the day: "alliteration." Who will prevail? Will it be our contestant from the University of Wisconsin, the Count of Camembert, the Castellan of Cheddar, the Baron of Brie, Bret Bielema? Or will it be the representative of Louisiana State University, the Crown Prince of Crawdads, the Grand Duke of Gumbo, the Earl of Etouffee, Ed Orgeron? And why am I suddenly feeling hungry?

Hopefully you're all familiar with the rules by now. Please cast your votes for the winning candidates in the comments below. All votes must be received by no later than Midnight, EST on Saturday, November 8th (11:00 pm CST).

(We're gonna be looking at an S.E.C.-vs.-S.E.C. matchup in the finals, aren't we? Oh, well. I suppose we should let them have one national championship to crow about this year, shouldn't we?)