Big Ten Mascot Rankings

Earlier this offseason, Indiana University announced they were bringing back their Bison mascot that was previously retired in 1969! Although official photos of the new Bison design haven't been revealed, the previous iteration was a bipedal human/bison monster hybrid. Truly horrifying stuff.

While sports fans of all ages eagerly await the official reveal of the Bison to the public at Indiana's home football opener against Old Dominion, that doesn't mean we can't currently blindly place the Bison in the official Big Ten mascot rankings*. This is peak offseason content brought to you by Off Tackle Republic. When does the season start?

*the official Big Ten mascot rankings as dreamed up by a completely unbiased and mostly sober BoilerUp89. If you disagree with this "writer's" opinions let us know in the comments, but know that no amount of plastic surgery is going to make the Nittany Lion number 1 on this list.

Someone has to be last in any rankings and the biggest loser in this competition is the University of Illinois. Not only are the Illini without a current mascot, but their previous mascot was a racist caricature. Moving on. If anyone cries about the loss of the Illini's previous mascot, I've got a different website for you. I'd link to it in the comments, but that would probably get deleted.

17th place goes to the University of Michigan. Back in the 1920s after a long lobbying period by then head coach (and racist) Fielding Yost, Michigan adopted two live wolverines from the Detroit Zoo. The wolverines would be carried around in cages during games at Michigan Stadium. Later one wolverine mascot would be caged until repeated chewing through the cage bars during desperate escape attempts rendered the live wolverine as a mascot concept unfeasible. Ever since, Michigan has held the position that "such a symbol is unnecessary and undignified and would not properly reflect the spirit and values of Michigan athletics." Sure, Jan. Way to cheat your fans out of the mascot experience.

Penn State's Nittany Lion looks like an abandoned cat that has been partially drowned, beaten with sticks, and then ran over with a steamroller. It also sometimes wears a scarf - which is kind of cool but doesn't make up for the rest of its appearance. Take care of your pets, people.

I'm sure the Nittany Lion brings joy to Penn State fans and is a splendid symbol of school pride. But why?

No, USC's mascot isn't the person wearing vaguely Roman legion like attire (I'll assume that's a reference to the legendary founding of Rome by the descendants of Aeneas - prince of Troy). Instead the actual Southern Cal mascot is a horse named Traveler. The athletic program named after Troy have a horse for their mascot. Troy was famously destroyed because of a wooden horse. Is USC stupid or something? Penn State fans should be furious they are beneath Traveler. Then again... scrolls back up to the video of the Nittany Lion.

I've talked about Willie before. While I don't actually think Willie is that bad of a mascot, the fact that he's one of two purple enthusiastic wildcat mascots named Willie in FBS football is severely holding down his ranking here. Give him a monocle and rename Willie to something like William, millionaire patron of Evanston and I'll move up your mascot near the top of the rankings, Northwestern.

I can not in good conscience put a mascot that hasn't been publicly revealed yet any higher than this. It probably won't be as disturbing as the last revision of the Bison mascot, but until further notice this is where Indiana lands. I do like the premise of returning to the Bison mascot when the animal has been reintroduced to Indiana in recent years.

Rutgers' official mascot is Sir Henry. the guy on the horse. They've also got a clone of Sparty that runs around campus terrorizing the locals. Rutgers does know that we had a revolution from 1776-1783, right? The U.S. Constitution made it illegal for there to be titles of nobility in this country. Oh who am I kidding, Congress probably deleted that section of their website like the other missing sections this week.

So the above video actually has an older version of Herbie Husker. Old Herbie has been replaced by a new blonder version of farmer. Have Nebraska fans finally found true love? Or is this a temporary match of convenience?

Lil' Red is the reason Nebrasketball has never won a March Madness tournament game.

I know Iowa isn't a land grant school like most of the Big Ten, but how do they not know that birds don't have teeth? Herky is a fine background mascot that you never notice. So forgettable that I almost thought he was named Hawkeye and that we would get sued by Marvel Studios for this article.

No wonder wisconsin doesn't have a baseball program anymore. The popcorn skunk begins our list of memorable mascots as I actually remembered Bucky's name without having to look it up. Being a smelly old skunk that got trapped in an oversized popcorn container keeps Bucky down at #9 on the list.

Honestly I just don't like the Spartans nickname. I've been very clear on this. Sparta was the worst of the Greek city states. Also, the fact that Sparty willingly submitted himself to cloning research resulting in Rutgers' unofficial mascot is a big minus as well. Our comment section is ready for Michigan State fans to bitterly complain.

Purdue's official mascot is the Boilermaker Special. However, due to an unfortunate fatal traffic incident this April involving the Express the current status of the Express is somewhat unknown. Due to the accident, I will instead include Purdue Pete on this list of mascots.

Before everyone complains about the blatant favoritism I'm showing Pete here, let's recognize that Pete has powers of persuasion that us mortals just can't explain.

We've reached the point of the article where I've realized the Big Ten has too many teams and I'm not going to justify my next few rankings. It should be noted that Brutus got what he deserved. He's an entitled, poisonous nut that roots for Ohio State. I could be easily convinced that Brutus belongs in 18th.

What do you want me to say? Testudo is friendly with the other mascots. Maryland made something that doesn't blind everyone. Turtles are cool. Good, solid, inoffensive mascot.

Joe and Josephine are a pair of Bruin mascots at UCLA. Big Ten fans may not be super familiar with them but it's a nice clean look for a mascot that I approve of.

I'm not what people would call an animal person, but even the heartless bot that I am can tell that Dubs II is a good boy. I'm not a fan of having Washington in our conference, but their mascot is great and misses out on the top spot only because of the extremely tough competition.

Controversy! Many would consider the Duck to be the quintessential college mascot. Undoubtedly, the Oregon Duck is a great mascot. However, being a special license from Disney instead of a unique creation causes me to dock them points.

We all know why Goldy takes the top spot. His flair for spectacle and all-conference football abilities give him the edge over the competition. Look at the speed, the way he holds the football to avoid fumbles, and of course his powerful stiff arm that ensures he scores a touchdown for his team. Goldy is willing to do whatever it takes to get Minnesota the win. Even ruining some middle school kid's day.