What Games are on Tap This Week? And Let's Make Some Alternate Bowl Game Sponsorships!

Good morning, loyal OTRites!

I hope that the holiday season has brought joy, comfort, and (if you roll that way) abundant liquor to each and every one of you. I've been incredibly negligent in my writing responsibilities over the last couple of weeks, because I was buried in end-of-semester grading responsibilities while also working up a course proposal to satisfy the State of Ohio's transfer requirements for public universities. However, now that I've got those tasks out of the way, it's time to turn to something even less fun--talking about the upcoming week's Big Ten bowl matchups.

Fortunately, AlmaOtter has already provided us with an excellent overview of this year's field of bowl sponsors:

Ranking Bowl Game Sponsors By Products Dumped on a Winning Coach’s Head

In which we learn a little more about the vast corporate culture that permeates everything in sports and all of American life

Off Tackle RepublicAlmaOtter

That's a hell of a rating system, and one that I'm not even going to try to top. Instead, I'm going to be focusing on who should be sponsoring each of these games. What fantastic marketing opportunities have we been cheated of this year?

I have to admit that while some of these were pretty easy to come up with, I was running into trouble making ideal connections for the others. However, the OTR commentariat came through strong with suggestions to help me fill in the blanks. So, really, the fault here belongs to all of us.

With no further ado, here we go....

Liberty Mutual Music City Bowl: Tennessee vs. Illinois (Tuesday, 12/30, 5:30 pm EST, ESPN), Tennessee -2.5

Alternative sponsor: The Snuggie

Face it, when you think about sartorial splendor in the college football world, Bret Bielema is not the first person who comes to mind. And if there's anyone who can outdo Bert when it comes to the art of looking perpetually rumpled, it's got to be Josh Heupel, archduke of the perpetual five o'clock shadow.

More than perhaps any garment in history, the Snuggie just screams "I give up" (or, more likely, mumbles it in a low and indistinct manner). What better sponsor could there be for a matchup between coaches who both look like they rolled out of bed ten minutes before kickoff?

Valero Alamo Bowl: U.S.C. vs. T.C.U. (Tuesday, 12/30, 9:00 pm EST, ESPN), U.S.C. -6.5

Alternative Sponsor: BlueChew (h/t to wankerman)

I'm honestly embarrassed that I didn't make this connection myself. But wankerman was quick to point out that no sponsor is better positioned to rise to the occasion of an historic matchup between Trojans and Horny Frogs. Though if the game lasts more than four hours, a lot of the audience members will probably need to consult a physician.

Also, this game kicks off at 9:00 pm EST, so viewers east of the Mississippi will need something to help them stay up until the game reaches its climax.

ReliaQuest Bowl: #23 Iowa vs. #14 Vanderbilt (Wednesday, 12/31, 12:00 pm EST, ESPN), Vanderbilt -4.5

Alternative Sponsor: The AARP

As readers of this blog are well aware, Kirk Ferentz is the Dean of Big Ten Coaches, having led the Hawkeyes since 1999. Based upon his legal escapades from the past year, Diego Pavia aims to be at Vanderbilt for at least as long. Maybe he can win the Heisman Trophy once he moves on to the NCAA's Senior Circuit.

Cheez-It Citrus Bowl: #18 Michigan vs. #13 Texas (Wednesday, 12/31, 3:00 pm EST, ABC), Texas -8.5

Alternative Sponsor: Bitcoin (h/t to KindOf)

There's no getting around it, these are two of the biggest and most lucrative brands in modern college football. There's also no getting around the fact that no matter how much each of these athletic programs is actually worth, that figure pales in comparison to what their respective fans believe that they're worth.

Also, over the last couple of decades, every significant surge in the fortunes of these two teams has been followed quickly by a precipitous crash.

SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl: Nebraska vs. #15 Utah (Wednesday, 12/31, 3:30 pm EST, ESPN), Utah -14

Alternative Sponsor: Two Men and a Truck

If there's a clear theme for this game, it's got to be "moving on." After his probably possibly maybe mutually-agreed-upon "retirement" as Utes head coach, Kyle Whittingham is going to be taking his talents to Ann Arbor. On the other side of the field, Dylan Raiola's time as the Cornhuskers' signal-caller has come to an end as well, as he enters the transfer portal in an effort to find himself a new Mahome(s).

I'd also considered selecting some kind of mortuary service for this one, because I think Nebraska's going to get absolutely murdered.

College Football Playoff Quarterfinal at the Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic (gasp): #10 Miami (YTM) vs. #2 Ohio State (Wednesday, 12/31, 7:30 pm EST, ESPN), OSU -9.5

Alternative Sponsor: American Idol

Why American Idol? Simple, really. The hit reality TV series (no, I don't understand why, either, but I'm not the arbiter of cultural popularity) debuted in 2002, with Kelly Clarkson parlaying her victory into a successful pop career.

2002 was also the last time (and the only time) that the Hurricanes and Buckeyes have faced one another in the postseason, with Ohio State riding a dominant defensive effort (and a 7-of-21 passing performance from Craig Krenzel) to a national championship over Miami and the forces of darkness. With any luck, this contest will have the same outcome as that one.

College Football Playoff Quarterfinal at the Capitol One Orange Bowl (deep breath): #5 Oregon vs. #4 Texas Tech (Thursday, 1/1, 12:00 pm EST, ESPN), Oregon -2.5

Alternative Sponsor: Wells Fargo (h/t Rubber_Duck)

I can't do better than Rubber_Duck's description, so I'm just copying it here: "Both Oregon and Texas Tech spent a wagon full of cash on their rosters. Plus, the original Wells Fargo stage coaches served both west Texas and Oregon. The stage coaches traveled long distances to serve both, just like both are traveling to Miami. And the stage coach as a symbol relates to both schools with Texas cowboy culture and the Oregon Trail."

Thanks, Rubber_Duck! Well done! Also, much like Wells Fargo, Oregon and Texas Tech would probably prefer that you not look too deeply into their financial and accounting practices.

College Football Playoff Quarterfinal at the Rose Bowl Presented by Prudential (sound of a body hitting the floor): #9 Alabama vs. #1 (no, really!) Indiana (Thursday, 1/1, 4:00 pm, ESPN), Indiana -6.5

Alternative Sponsor: The Odd Couple

Anyone who, eighteen months ago, believed that we'd be seeing these two programs squaring off in a College Football Playoff game after the 2025 season, please raise your hand.

Now put it down, you liar.

I'm not sure what's more surprising--that Indiana and Alabama are squaring off in this game, or that an Indiana win will surprise absolutely no one.

Plus, Curt Cignetti has some serious Jack Klugman energy going on.

What did we get right? What did we get wrong? What could you do better? Please let us know in the comments, and Happy New Year!