Ranking Bowl Game Sponsors By Products Dumped on a Winning Coach's Head

Happy holidays to you and yours! If you're new here, this is the kind of bullshit that I think about and write about. You can opt out at any time.
Let's keep the preface short and get to the question: What are the best and worst bowl game sponsor products to get dumped upon your head? We're taking this question to its logical conclusion and including nearly every bowl game sponsor (or at least as many as it takes for me to push it too far).

Guaranteed Top Tier, No Question:

These are fairly self-explanatory, but I'm taking the Cheez-It dump in the first pick of this category, followed by the Famous Idaho Potato french fries bucket, and then the breakfast-related entries.

1. Cheez-It
2. Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
3. Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl
4. Pop-Tarts Bowl

Messy, but Still Edible

These products add significant challenges to the victory shower, but they're still eminently edible and therefore beat out a wide swathe of the upcoming categories. Kinder's makes seasonings and BBQ sauces; pair that with an Idaho Potato Bowl shower and we're talking something that I'd pay real US currency to experience. Scooter's Coffee, assuming it's not scalding, would be fine. Maybe you could get a small cup to catch some of the overflow? I include the Bucked Up pre-workout product next purely on viscosity. It's powder, it's not that messy. But if you get too much of it, I suspect you'd feel like PJ Fleck feels every day. A baked bean shower is pretty grotesque, but the Duke's Mayo dump is an iconic feature of our sport for a reason. Yeah, it's edible, but damn, it looks pretty disgusting in that volume.

1. Kinder's Texas Bowl
2. Scooter's Coffee Frisco Bowl
3. Bucked Up LA Bowl
4. Bush's Boca Raton Bowl of Beans
5. Duke's Mayo Bowl

Financial Products in Order of Sleaziness

Now we're getting to the esoteric and non-edible stuff. Leading off is the Trust & Will Bowl because inheriting a will or a trust at least feels less sketchy than the others. Grandpa left me a bunch of gold coins? Sure! Liberty Mutual gets the lead for the home mortgage section purely on their commercials, which aren't atrocious. Rate Bowl used to be the Guaranteed Rate Bowl. What happened to the guarantee?! I demand answers! And GameAbove is a corporate private equity firm owned by a dude named Keith Stone (no relation to the Keystone beer ads from 2009). Private equity is always the sleaziest answer.

1. Trust & Will Holiday Bowl
2. Liberty Mutual Music City Bowl
3. Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl
4. Rate Bowl
5. GameAbove Sports

Eww

Please do not dump buckets of DNA on people.

1. StaffDNA Cure Bowl

This Will End in a Head Injury

Now we're getting into some of the more dangerous products. Dropping Snoop Dogg's lithe 145 lb frame on a winning coach would probably be unpleasant for both parties, but probably the best option here. A Gatorade barrel full of Xboxes or bowling balls would likely end either victory with a concussion. Automotive parts from AutoZone would likely be worse? And SRS Distribution, obviously a household name for all, makes industrial roofing products. Goodbye, consciousness.

1. Snoop Dogg Bowl
2. Xbox Bowl
3. Go Bowling Military Bowl
4. AutoZone Liberty Bowl
5. SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl

This Will End In Death

And now we get to the crux of the article. Which sponsor's products are so unfit for a victory shower that they would probably cause wrongful death litigation? Valero is a petroleum fuel distributor. I'd rather take a bowling ball to the head than a bath of liquid natural gas. If it isn't getting you now, it's coming later. A riding lawnmower might not kill you, but the shame of explaining that you were given debilitating injuries by something marketed as a Bad Boy lawnmower might. Radiance Technologies supports Department of Defense and NASA projects, so let's say a satellite comes crashing out of the sky and lands on your head to celebrate your victory in the Independence Bowl?

And for the final, worst possible answer to the bowl victory shower, we have Lockheed Martin. As you cheer with your team about your win over Texas State in the Armed Forces Bowl, you hear a screech overhead. A sonic boom sounds. An F-35 descends upon you. Brought to you by Lockheed Martin and the military-industrial complex!

1. Valero Bowl
2. Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl
3. Radiance Technologies Independence Bowl
4. Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl