How would you rank the following hires halfway through their first seasons: Campbell, Fitzgerald, and Whittingham?- Warlock of Westwood
Buffkomodo: I mean….its gotta be Whittingham, Campbell, and then Fitzy? This is kinda like asking whether you want kicked in the nards, kicked in the shins, or kicked in the teeth. I mean they all suck but I guess if I had to order them…
MNW: Whit, Fitz, Camp. But they all suck.
Transient Buckeye: If we’re going by team performance, they’ve all been pretty rank so far, haven’t they? So let’s go with who I’d want to hang out with. Fitzgerald would just stuff me in a locker, and Campbell looks perpetually depressed (“How the hell did I wind up in a place that makes Ames look cosmopolitan!?”). So I guess it’d be Whittingham?
WSR: I’ve enjoyed Wittingham’s work already this year, and hope to enjoy Campbell’s. Fitzgerald having a job is tragic and actually pretty rank.
IUinVA: By entertainment value: Whittingham, Campbell, Fitzgerald.
HoustonBoiler: Hmmm … a UCLA fan wants to gloat about hiring Bob Chesney. Okay. While I have definitely been amused by their work, performance wise I would rank them: Whittingham, Campbell, Fitzgerald though it’s very, very close and this order could flip on any given Saturday. Basically, they have all sucked to date as none of these three coaches have won a B1G game against a team coached by someone outside this group of three.
How many B1G teams make the playoffs this season, and how many would have made the proposed 24 team playoffs? Show your work. -waw
Buffkomodo: I’ve never shown any work. Much like Indiana’s offense, I’m all or nothing. I guess I thought it was going to be Indiana and Ohio State. Now? I think it may be Indiana and UCLA? I think Ohio state drops some of these games coming up and without Sayin, the committee won’t put them in with a trash can as a QB if them and Notre Dame are 12/13. In 24? Unfortunately, they’d be in too, followed by a Northwestern, Iowa, and maybe USC. 24 team playoff sucks.
glass: The league is in the kind of state that every team not named Ohio St has a reasonable path to getting left out at 10-2. If I had to make a guess about this season I'd say the buckeyes and bruins make the cut.
MNW: I hate this, man. I really hate this. I know that’s not the point of your question, but if we ended today on the current AP rankings, here’s what you’d see first round:
- [24] NU at [9] UCLA to play [8] Texas Tech
- [23] SMU at [10] Utah to play [7] Ole Miss
- [22] Mizzou at [11] Tennessee to play [6] Indiana
- [21] Boise at [12] Kentucky to play [5] Georgia
- [20] Florida at [13] Alabama to play [4] Notre Dame
- [19] Texas at [14] Houston to play [3] Ohio State
- [18] LSU at [15] Iowa to play [2] BYU
- [17] Wake at [16] USC to play [1] Miami
There’d be some Committee-sponsored rejiggering just to avoid conference matchups (magically, NU would jump SMU; Boise and Mizzou would flip-flop; Wake would fall to 20 because fuck the ACC), and away we’d go.
And y’know? Honestly? I’d watch the pants off Texas-Houston and LSU-Iowa, but the rest…meh. Where I would watch those games is if they were played at a neutral site with some kind of comical breakfast pastry, snack food, or lawn implement-based trophy ceremony to follow.
If only we had some sort of model for that.
AlmaOtter: I WOKE UP FEELING THE CHEEZIEST, BOSS!
WSR: THE Ohio State University and UCLA for sure, and Iowa might make an appearance before getting destroyed by the 2nd ACC team or something dumb like that.
IUinVA: My favorite argument against the 24-team playoff was, “nobody wants to see (some random team) against Iowa!” … and it’s a compelling point.
HoustonBoiler: To add on to IUinVA’s thought, everyone will demand a return to a 12 team playoff once the audience views the inevitable (some random team) against Iowa. As for which B1G teams would make a hypothetical 24 team playoff this year, I’ll go with Ohio State, Indiana, UCLA, and one team from the Oregon, Northwestern, Iowa, USC group.
Transient Buckeye: Ohio State will make the playoff field provided they don’t drop more than one game over their last five–there will be enough quality wins to get them into the field. Indiana will be fine if they go 11-1. 10-2 might have Hoosier fans sweating on selection Sunday, but I think being the defending champs means that the committee would give them the benefit of the doubt. Beyond those two? Iowa and UCLA would both make it at 11-1, but since both teams have soft scheduled, 10-2 doesn’t feel like a guarantee. USC has only lost one game so far, but have the Trojans looked like a playoff team? I’m not sure.
I’m not even going to contemplate the 24-team–field concept, because a 24-team playoff is disgusting and I hate it.
Let’s jump into the multiverse. In the universe where Penn State hired away Matt Rhule last year, who would Nebraska have hired? And what would Nebraska and PSU’s records be so far this year? - RunzaBall
Buffkomodo: I neither have the booze, the time, or the attention span to come up with an answer that would satisfy. Sooooooo Campbell and still the records would be the same.
MNW: The Huskers would’ve gotten Matt Campbell, and both programs would’ve been better off.
WSR: I believe the spinner in the Nebraska AD’s office is currently pointed at “Former NFL Coach” and the one who seems like a perfect fit and is available would be someone like Jack Del Rio or Tony Dungy.
The results on the field would probably be pretty similar for PSU, but Nebraska would be far worse.
IUinVA: Zac Taylor should be available soon (hopefully).
Transient Buckeye: If Penn State had hired away Matt Rhule, Nebraska should have immediately hired James Franklin, if for no other reason than the sheer “Trading Spaces” of it all. (also, the Huskers would’ve won that trade, had it happened)
If you could have a beer with any Big Ten starting quarterback, who would you choose and what would they drink?-RubberDuck
MNW: I just want to let people behind the curtain for a moment – in order to prompt us, this is how AlmaOtter formatted the questions:
"Let’s jump into the multiverse. In the universe where Penn State hired away Matt Rhule last year, who would Nebraska have hired? And what would Nebraska and PSU’s records be so far this year? - RunzaBall Name: Funny stuff here."
So basically, I’ve answered three of these already, thinking “huh, I wonder who’s not saying their name and just putting “Funny stuff here” for each of these, and I wonder what their impetus for doing so is.
Maybe it’s time for me to just be put down.
Also, Drake Lindsey, for reasons already posted in the replies to the Mailbag call – sure, it’d just be 15 Busch Lights, but it’d be fun.
Buffkomodo: Underwood because he was a starter when this question was asked. Mostly because I want to actually know how much money they gave him to go there and how crazy Moore was. I’m potentially projecting here but probably Hennessy.
glass: Any one of them will do as long as they're buying.
WSR: I bet things would be wild and unpredictable if you were to get a beer with Demond Williams Jr.
Transient Buckeye: Solid choice, WSR, but he’d probably try to switch to a different brand halfway through, only to have the first beer’s legal team step in and force him to finish it.
IUinVA: Some of these guys can’t legally consume alcohol yet, so enjoy your prison time, “writers.”
Why can’t I make restaurant-quality nachos at home? I’ve tried the broiler in my oven. I’ve tried my air fryer. I’ve tried pre-heating some components. Should I just give up and make dips instead?- ExiledinVT
Buffkomodo: MNW should have this covered, but I’ve been unable to find any good Nacho cheese in my local Kroger. My friend actually gets some from Menards he likes but I think it’s shit. I just want some good, yellow, totally fake, but delicious stadium quality cheese.
MNW: I’m curious as to why I should have this covered – though I do love the idea of Just Make Dips.
The blessing and the curse that I’ve found is using the thinnest, crispiest restaurant-style chip imaginable and the meltiest cheese possible – thinking here about the now-possibly-discontinued Aldi thick-shred triple cheddar cheese atop, like, Hy-Vee brand restaurant chips. But even then, the personal challenge is that the chips are never as crisp, salty, and oily as I want them to be.
Like, could you make nachos out of Chili’s chips? Probably not, those things would shatter. But I want us to try. I want us to dare to dream.
Transient Buckeye: I don’t have a good answer here, though it could come down to poor structural integrity in your tortilla chips. My wife and I have seen Alton Brown do live shows several times, and one of the things he has promised to do if he ever becomes all-powerful is to mandate that all tortilla chips must be able to support 100x their own weight in toppings. That might help to fix the problem?
WSR: It’s both a skill and equipment issue. Having a restaurant-quality oven is a big key, but you probably need to practice a ton more.
IUinVA: Make sure that you cook everything separately, then combine everything (except the jalapeños) and cook for a few minutes to get good melted, cheesy coverage. My wife is a Villanova alum and we made what we called “Archie-di-nachios” for the 2016 Final Four game against Oklahoma. Nova won by thirty. Behold the power of nachos.
HoustonBoiler: Let me make a quick trip to Houston so I can consult with Mama Ninfa regarding how to get the chips right. I would think it involves a deep fryer.
Why did they start putting aioli on all kinds of shit out of nowhere sometime around 2004?- LegitimatelyBronchial
Buffkomodo: Nice to see you’ve seen Chris Porter: A Man From Kansas too. Who knows? People gotta be edgy and shit.
MNW: Funny stuff here.
WSR: Because they needed to find something to replace ranch dressing, which is trash.
Transient Buckeye: I don’t know why they made the switch, but it feels like there’s all kinds of potential for NIL deals now. There’s a certain former Oregon quarterback who has to be feeling very ripped off: “Masoli Aioli” has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Or is that just me.
IUinVA: Big oil, obviously.
HoustonBoiler: Perhaps people have grown tired of straight up egg-gizz on their sandwich?
Northwestern needed an OC. Illinois needed a DC. Northwestern hired Chip Kelly. Illinois hired Bobby Fucking Hauck, who didn’t make it to Haucktober. Which of these programs is more set up for success in the near future and why? -Thump
Buffkomodo: I think long term is Northwestern? Maybe? Mostly because of the new stadium? Look, these things change every 4 or 5 years. Maybe N’ern won’t be able to pay their players as much and they’ll nosedive. Maybe Illinois finds gold somewhere? I mean I’d give Northwestern the edge but it’s not necessarily because of Chip Kelly, who will leave in a couple of years and have to get replaced. It’s the resource war and the Cats invested heavily.
MNW: You’re missing that Thump just wants you to say anything so he can mostly ignore it and continue to shout things about Illinois football and/or how Northwestern is his #1-ranked team in the Big Ten.
(Bobby Hauck was a baffling hire then and a hilarious one now.)
Transient Buckeye: Northwestern clearly won the short-run contest. The problem is that Chip gets happy feet really, really quickly. He gave up an O.C. gig at Ohio State (where he’d have been golden so long as the Buckeyes kept winning at about their recent average rate) for a disastrous flameout in the NFL. He’ll be a great O.C. for Northwestern as long as he’s there. But the over/under on his tenure is, what…maybe 1.5 years?
WSR: Iowa, obviously.
IUinVA: This would be the place to make a very loud, straw man argument for Illinois, but I can’t stop thinking about nachos.
HoustonBoiler: Can I interest Illinois in their former LB coach Kevin Kane?
That whole Arby’s Offensive Coordinator thing that Akron did this year… what would be the funniest versions of it for B1G teams?- NU06er
Buffkomodo: Someone gets to pick Cignetti’s posture for the first drive of the game.
glass: One lucky fan would get to commit Purdue's ̶fourth personal foul during any home game.
MNW: One fan gets to wear the Shrek mask and five others get to operate the car wash. Get on this, Michigan State.
Transient Buckeye: Tempted to go with some variation of “Ryan Day Dunk Tank” to be scheduled after the next game OSU loses. But OSU fans would insist on there being actual saltwater crocodiles in the dunk tank, so in retrospect, that’s probably a really bad idea.
WSR: One random fan gets to burn a timeout in the 1st quarter instead of PJ Fleck doing it.
IUinVA: Iowa can only run five receiver sets.
HoustonBoiler: One (un)lucky fan gets the opportunity to design and call the defense for Purdue’s first series. Perhaps this could be a way of auditioning potential future DCs.
