College Football ad Similitudinum: Western Bracket
And you thought the last one was bad....
Since my wife is out of town attending a conference for the week, I’ve been left without adult supervision. Which means it’s time for the second installment in the “College Football ad Similitudinum” contest. This competition is an attempt to determine which college football coach (current or former) best embodies their school's collective fan base. I want to begin by thanking everyone who took the time to cast your votes for our Eastern Bracket contests. I’m grateful to all of you for making that column the epic clusterfuck ridiculous farce incredible success that it was!
Before we move on to our Western Bracket matchups, I need to report the results from the voting in our Eastern Bracket contests. There is no one more eager than me for the day a polling system gets incorporated into the site, but until that day comes, I will be tabulating all ballots by hand. Any calculation errors will be entirely your fault, for putting your faith in me to be able to add correctly. Though I would note that at least thus far, all of our contests have been lopsided enough that any screw-ups I did make had no impact upon the outcome.
Game #1: To the surprise of absolutely no one, Bret Bielema is handily consigned Tommy Tuberville to the shadow realm, winning by a vote of 11-2. If only we could be so fortunate in real life.
Game #2: This was by far the closest of our matchups. But the Big Ten bias of our readership came through in the end, with Greg Schiano edging out Dabo Swinney by a vote of 8-5. Schiano advances to face Bert (and oblivion) in the next round.
Game #3: No Big Ten bias here, as there were no Big Ten coaches in contention. But regional loyalty may have come to the fore, as Charlie Weis easily knocked off Mario Cristobal, tallying 10 votes to just 3 for the Hurricanes' head coach. Fortunately for Cristobal, I’m sure this loss to Weis is the worst thing that happened to him this week.
Game #4: Another one-sided beatdown here, as Coach “yawyawyawfootbaw!” himself, Ed Orgeron, mopped the floor with John L. Smith, prevailing by a 12-2 vote. Reached by phone for comment, Smith angrily exploded “The voters are screwing it up!!!”
And if you noticed that there were fourteen ballots cast for Game #4, but only thirteen for the other three, that's because we had a single voter who chose to abstain from the first three contests, but had to express support for Coach O. This sort of behavior is absolutely encouraged. This is America! If you don't know anything about candidates, you shouldn't be voting for them.
Looks around...
Well, shit.
Next, we're going to be rolling out our Western Bracket matchups for our tournament's Round of 16. For this installment, only schools located west of the Mississippi River are eligible for consideration. All votes for our Western Bracket contests must be recorded by no later than Midnight, EST (11:00 pm Central, if you're into that kind of thing) on Saturday, October 25th. Vote early. But please do not vote often, it'll mess up my count.
Game 1: Lincoln Riley (U.S.C.) vs. LaVell Edwards (B.Y.U.)
O.K., I'm not going to lie. For U.S.C., I was heavily tempted to put up a picture of the invisible man. Because really, if we're trying to characterize the U.S.C. fanbase, is there any evidence that it actually exists? If it did, though, it would be longing for the days of Pete Carroll, Matt Leinart, and Reggie Bush. U.S.C. fans desperately want to believe that they're still a playoff contender, until reality (or a meeting with Notre Dame) brings them to their senses. Similarly, Lincoln Riley desperately wants to believe he's still a playoff coach. Will he get defensive if you suggest he isn't? Absolutely not. Lincoln Riley doesn't believe in defense.
If you've ever seen photographs of Brigham Young, who succeeded Joseph Smith as the leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, you'll note that in almost all of them, he looks just incredibly dour. This was a man who had seen some seriously bad things. And probably done some seriously bad things, too, if historical accounts are to be believed. Today, the descendants of Brigham Young and those who took the 19th Century Mormon Trail with him make up the student body of the university that bears his name. LaVell Edwards was the head football coach at B.Y.U. for twenty-nine (!) seasons, from 1972 until his retirement in 2000. And just look at that face. He's seen some seriously bad things, too.
Fun Fact: If you put LaVell Edwards in an Ohio State ballcap and sweatshirt, he would look remarkably like late-stage John Cooper.
Game 2: Steve Sarkisian (Texas) vs. Kirk Ferentz (Iowa)
Ah, Texas. Onetime home of legends like Darryl Royal, Mack Brown (the good Mack Brown, not the North Carolina Mack Brown), Vince Young, Colt McCoy, and Bevo. Whenever you think you've run out of time to talk about Texas's accomplishments, the officials insist that you put one second back on the clock. But of late, Texas has struggled to regain its former glory. And right now, the performance of Steve Sarkisian's team has some UT fans wondering if his reputation as an offensive play-calling genius is warranted--or if he is, in fact, all hat, no cattle. Tune in next week, as Sarkisian's reputation as a champion quarterback whisperer once again goes head to head with his Arch-nemesis.
Iowa fans are a fascinating bunch--often a bundle of contradictory emotions battling it out within a single breast. On the one hand, Iowa has been a successful team--or at least successful-ish--for most of the current millennium. You can pencil Iowa in for at least eight wins every year, which is something that a lot of college fanbases would kill for. On the other hand, the process for achieving that success seems to have been designed in a lab whose assigned mission was "suck as much joy out of the experience of watching football as humanly possible." After years of this, many Iowa fans would probably welcome the odd 5-7 season if only their team would show a spark of offensive innovation, or throw it beyond the sticks on 3rd and short just one damn time. Kirk Ferentz is the Janus that represents both halves of the collective Iowa zeitgeist, simultaneously the architect of his team's successes, and the source of his fanbase's frustrations.
Game 3: Rick and Jerry Neuheisel (UCLA) vs. P.J. Fleck (Minnesota)
U.C.L.A. is located in scenic Westwood, California, home to sun-swept beaches, surfers, bleached-blonde hair, utterly insane real-estate prices, and a student body that looks like extras from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Rick Neuheisel played quarterback for the Bruins before two separate stints as a member of the coaching staff--first as an assistant, and then later as head coach from 2008 to 2011. Apparently feeling that his work at the school was unfinished, he decided to clone himself. This clone (unconvincingly named "Jerry" – you're not fooling anyone, Rick) rejoined the staff in 2018, and was recently elevated to the post of Interim Offensive Coordinator. Given the miraculous turnaround in U.C.L.A.'s fortunes of late (and the fact that he's managed to make Nico Iamaleava look like a functional quarterback), it seems like it's only a matter of time before "Jerry" is given a shot at something even bigger. I mean, just look at that hair. Doesn't it just scream "future Bruin head coach?"
I find it impossible to dislike Minnesota Golden Gopher fans. The ones I've encountered, both here and at [REDACTED] are inevitably polite, good-natured, and accepting of Minnesota's status as a perennially middle-of-the-pack Big Ten team. True, in the vast expanses of the Great Plains, a sudden, violent Gopher attack could pick off an unsuspecting victim--looking at you, Nebraska. But it doesn't happen often enough that it feels like something you should really worry about. Like Minnesota fans, P.J. Fleck is very comfortable with who and what he is. He's outgoing, genuine, enthusiastic, and absolutely committed to building the best mediocre team in the Upper Midwest.
Game 4: Bobby Petrino (Arkansas) vs. Dan Lanning (Oregon)
Arkansas fans are passionate about their pigs. This is a fanbase that unironically has made "Wooooooo, Pig! Sooie!" into a chant that they call out in support of their beloved Razorbacks. When it comes to their affinity for all things pig, Arkansas fans certainly go whole hog. What does this have to do with Bobby Petrino? Well, given his own experiences with hogs (albeit of the Harley Davidson variety), this is a man who should really, really know the dangers that they can bring. But since he's just eagerly climbed back into the saddle for his second stint as the head of Hog Nation (maybe/possibly/probably after orchestrating Sam Pittman's firing from behind the scenes), you have to conclude that he hasn't learned his lesson. And if that doesn't show pig-headedness, I don't know what does.
Oregon fans are the nouveau riche of the Pac-10 Pac-12 Big Ten. Northwestern fans like to joke that football didn't exist before 1995. Duck fans genuinely believe that football didn't exist until Phil Knight began showering the University of Oregon with his financial largesse. As their team has become more successful, the enthusiasm of Duck fans has reached stratospheric heights, with Autzen Stadium becoming one of the most feared road environments in college football. But fans of blue-blood programs look upon Oregon with some disdain, snidely suggesting (fairly or unfairly) that the program's progress has been bought, not earned. A lot of the same stigma accompanies Dan Lanning. Is he a good coach? Certainly. Has he been successful? Absolutely. Can he come across as arrogant, oily, or annoying in a way you can't quite put your finger on? Also yes.
Alrighty, then! That's it for this round. Submit your votes for the winning candidates in the comments below.
