College Football ad Similitudinum: Regional Semifinals

Hello, fellow OTR-ites!  We’re going to be moving on with the next installment of the College Football ad Similtudinum contast.  For those of you who, through unforgivable negligence wisdom and discretion, missed the earlier installments in this series, the object of this exercise is to identify which college football coach (current or former) best embodies their school’s collective fan base. 

Before we get to this week’s ballot, I need to present the results of the voting in last week’s Western Bracket.  The ballot count for this one was a bit lower, which feels appropriate for an off-year election.  I suspect that some of this stems from the fact that the majority of our commentariat represents schools associated with the “traditional” Big Ten (you know, back when we only had fourteen teams).  The relative lack of familiarity with western football may have somewhat depressed the voting totals.  And I’m okay with that, because having fewer ballots meant that they were easier to count. 

Game 1:  This matchup had longtime BYU head coach LaVell Edwards easily disposing of USC’s Lincoln Riley, sweeping him aside by a vote of 8-1 (or about as easily as a competent offense can sweep aside a Lincoln Riley defense).  I’m honestly a bit surprised at the outpouring of support for Edwards—certainly not disappointed, but surprised nevertheless.  I was a bit hesitant to include him in the balloting at all, because I was worried that a significant percentage of our commenters might not remember his tenure at BYU.  This vote clearly demonstrates that I was wrong about that, and leads to one indisputable conclusion:  y’all are old. 

Game 2:  This one was almost as lopsided as Game 1, as Kirk Ferentz, Iowa fixture and intense masticator of chewing gum, overcame Texas coach Steve Sarkisian by a vote of 7-2.  That, I’m sure we can all agree, is a very Iowa score, with Ferentz arriving at his vote total via a single field goal and two safeties.

Game 3:  This vote is a little bit controversial (to me, that is), as the duo of Rick and “Jerry” Neuheisel, representing UCLA, sent Minnesota’s P.J. Fleck home almost as fast as Iowa did last Saturday.  The vote, in this case, was 7-3.  You’ll note that there are ten votes in this game, as opposed to nine votes in the other three.  This is because one intrepid voter declared that this contest was a tie, forcing me to assign one vote to each of the contestants.  This is my fault, because I didn’t specify that you’re only allowed to vote for one candidate per contest.  So I’m saying it now.  The only way you get to cast a vote for two candidates is if you’re voting for the Neuheisels.

 Game 4:  None of our contests this week were very close, but this one was the closest.  Arkansas head coach (and noted neck-brace wearer) Bobby Petrino out-sleazed Oregon’s Dan Lanning by a vote of 6-3.  It feels to me that out of all of our remaining Western Bracket coaches, Petrino has the easiest path to the Western Finals.

With last week's results out of the way, lets move on to our regional semifinal matchups.

Western Bracket Semifinal #1:  LaVell Edwards (B.Y.U.) vs. Kirk Ferentz (Iowa)

This contest is generously being sponsored by the AARP, as it pits the two most senior of our remaining candidates against one another. Some might protest that Kirk Ferentz is not yet retired. In response, I would say two things. First: Are you sure? Second: I'm not retired yet either, nor am I particularly close to retirement, but that doesn't stop the AARP from sending me shit all the time. Hell, LaVell Edwards died in 2016, and I bet he still gets mailers from them.

Western Bracket Semifinal #2:  Rick and Jerry Neuheisel (U.C.L.A.) vs. Bobby Petrino (Arkansas)

This contest features a classic Pac-12 Big 10 vs. SEC matchup. In one corner, we have the blonde hair, perfect teeth, and newly-developed cloning technology of the Neuheisel Clan. In the other corner, we have...a pig. Which does uphold the finest traditions of Arkansas, I guess.

Eastern Bracket Semifinal #1:  Bret Bielema (Wisconsin) vs. Greg Schiano (Rutgers)

As I'm writing this article, Rutgers currently sits a full game ahead of Wisconsin in the Big Ten standings. I don't even know what to say about that, except that it feels somehow unnatural. Will this historical aberration continue, or will Bret Bielema channel Warren Harding's message from the presidential campaign of 1920, and lead us to a "return to normalcy" by guiding the Badgers past the Scarlet Knights?

Eastern Bracket Semifinal #2:  Charlie Weis (Notre Dame) vs. Ed Orgeron (L.S.U.)

This is the undisputed heavyweight matchup of our regional semifinal contests. It pits the collective hubris of the Notre Dame fanbase and the intense unlikability of Charlie Weis against the unintelligible Cajun gibberish of LSU's former coach as he attempts to follow the Orgeron Trail to victory. To blatantly plagiarize recycle a comment I offered in the game threads a couple of weeks ago, the Orgeron Trail is kind of like the Oregon Trail, except instead of dying of dysentery, you get served with a lawsuit for sexual harassment after every stop.

Please vote for your preferred candidates in each of our regional semifinal matchups. Ballots must be cast by no later than Midnight on Saturday, November 1st. Or at least before whenever I wake up on Sunday morning and start counting ballots.

Cast your ballots! Make your voices heard! All hail the Republic!