A Monday Morning All-Hands Meeting at the Big Ten Headquarters

Commish: Good morning, everyone. We're a third of the way through the season! How's everyone feeling? Let's go around the table and do a quick check-in. Illinois, how are you?

Illinois: under the conference table shivering and sobbing

Commish: Ok, we'll come back to you. UCLA?

UCLA's Empty Seat: silence

Commish: Ah, right. Lively bunch today. Michigan State? How about you?

Michigan State, with obvious bloodshot and bleary eyes: Could we please play at noon one of these weeks?

Commish: Not with that attitude. Let's swing out west. Washington? Oregon? Do you feel good about what you did to Wazzu and Oregon State?

Washington: No, but I'm just happy to be here.

Oregon: I WOKE UP FEELING THE CHEEZIEST, COMMISH! THEY'RE FIGHTING FOR CLICKS, WE'RE FIGHTING FOR WINS!

Commish: Good for you. Badgers? How are you holding up? Bit of a rough one against the Terps.

Wisconsin: FI-RE FICK-ELL, CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP FI-RE FICK-ELL CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP.

Commish: That didn't last long. Purdue?

Purdue: It could have been worse. Like last year, when it was worse. Much worse. Stares into mid distance, fear and trauma in vacant, Purdue Pete-like eyes. Yeah, we're fine.

Commish: Please don't look at me like that ever again. Maryland?

Maryland: snapping crab claw noise, Natty Bohs in tow. All good here.

Commish: You frighten me. Indiana? Quite the victory on Saturday.

Indiana: still slightly drunk and smiling. Google us. Google us.

Commish: Thanks, no. Nebby?

Nebraska: Not now, we're busy. Actively performing various seances and rituals to remove the curse of Scott Frost.

Commish: Totally normal, thank you. Iowa? Rutgers? Fun one on Friday night. How are you two?

Iowa: I enjoyed playing a game in the Big Apple. Not really used to the metropolis. Too many people, not enough soybeans.

Commish: That was just Piscataway, New Jersey. You weren't in NYC.

Rutgers: under breath I can't believe we lost those these bumpkins.

Commish: Alright, there are too many damn teams in this league and we've run out of time. Michigan, we'll hear from you next week.